The Foreign Lesbian

Homos, take a deep breath. We are about to tackle a real gaydar problem. A problem that seems so insurmountable that many lezzies have just given up. That hot girl from Spain who pulls your espresso in the morning... IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE???

The Foreign Lesbian is the most difficult of all the women listed so far to identify. The sheer magnitude of this task makes me want to cry hot little tears into my lap while watching Amelie for the 43rd time. Why? Because FOREIGN WOMEN ALL SEEM GAY.

My gaydar gets stuck on foreign women. All the classic North American Dyke signs are there – extreme eye contact, artistic haircuts, no makeup, way of walking, direct way of speaking, bluntness, personal style, etc etc etc. But most of these women are not dykes. No! They make extreme eye contact with everyone because people did that where they grew up. Their haircuts are awesome because they have prancing Italians named Luca to tend to their hair. They don’t wear much makeup because they don’t need to (foreigners are hot.) They speak directly because they are working in a second language and need to get their point across. They walk better because they have excellent posture and are confident in the knowledge of how hot they are. Their style is better because they don’t shop at Target for yoga pants. And.... most cultures that are not American are faaaaaaaar more sexually open or permissive than we uptight Americans are. Thus, a Foreign Woman may have slept with 16 women and 4 men, and still say with pouting lips, “I em only attracted to zee bee-yoo-tee of zee soul.” Foreign women do not like the word ‘lesbian’ because they associate it with Mack-truck-sized, flannel-wearing, flat-top sporting, hefty American lesbians. And currently, people will do anything to avoid being associated with America.

So you see, we have a problem. Because these fucking gorgeous women have accents. And that makes us quiver with desire. And some of them are gay. But which ones? How can we weed them out?

Let’s do it country by country.

If she is from:

Mexico: She’s not gay, or she totally is. No middle ground. Either way, she’ll be grabbing your boobs after 3 drinks. (Take her dancing.)

Russia: Not a chance. NOTE: All Russian women seem extremely gay, and none of them are. Not even one. Pity.

China: Lots of homos. Short haircut and unmarried is the key. If she has long hair: forget about it. *Bonus* She’s probably a math genius.

Taiwan: Good luck finding a femme from Taiwan. But if you want a butch or boi, you’ve got a green light. Look for short nails and extra-styley hair. And keep an eye out for the lone earring in the left ear. Taiwanese dykes keep it old-school.

NOTE: ASIAN LESBIANS ARE A WHOLE SEPARATE CATEGORY. MORE LATER.

Germany: Germany has a negative birth rate for a reason. All German females are homos. And watch out – they don’t shave. The Black Forest takes on a whole new meaning.

Italy: Fahgeddaboutit. Unless she is clearly butch, or a punk, Italian women love the cock. And they love it uncircumcised.

France: Oooooh she can whisper the sweetest nothings in your ear. Oooh you can take romantic walks in the rain. She’ll sleep with you, but she’ll never go all-the-way-gay. She has amazing underwear. Long, sweeping hair is not a disqualifier. Pillow queen!

Spain: Same as France, minus the underwear. Plan to get in some, um, passionate fights. This one throws plates.

The Netherlands: She’s from a country called “The Netherlands.” Go for it.

Iceland: She’s just…weird. Run away.

Eastern Europe: Not likely she’s a mo. But you can gaze at her from afar. She looks like a model and thinks lesbians are “disgusting, these women who want to be men.”

Brazil: She’s slept with plenty of people – boys, girls, that person at Carnival whose gender she wasn’t sure about…..if you are a good dancer, you’ve got her. Warning: Obsessive. And look out – she bites.

Australia: Tricky. She may seem like a sporty dyke. She is probably straight and on holiday in the US with her boyfriend and a backpack. However, Australians are slutty, and you may have a chance encounter if enough beer is involved.

Great Britain: If she looks like a total dyke, she is one. The less she bathes, the more likely it is that she’s gay. British dykes do not wear makeup. Actually, nobody in Britain wears makeup.

North Africa: Not gay. Not even a little. Not ever.

South Africa: More formal and uptight than Australia, but well-travelled and open-minded. You’ll have to ask her politely if she’s into women. She’s at least thought about it.

A Muslim Country: WAIT FOR HER TO HIT ON YOU.

India: Not gay, which really sucks for my harem fantasies.