Sporty Dykes

Alright. Time to discuss Sporty Dykes. Sporty Dykes is an enormous category, spanning many other categories. Lots of dykes can play sports or like sports, but there is a certain kind of lesbian that is a True Sporty Dyke.

Sporty Dykes hang out in packs. Where there’s one, there’s twelve. This is because they’ve spent the majority of their lives on a sports team of some kind and are unable to function independently in a social setting. They can be instantly identified in any room by the amount of ass-slapping and shoulder-hitting going on. Sporty dykes usually have a sunburn and/or freckles. IF they have long hair, it is in a ponytail. No exceptions. A younger sporty dyke will have a colored elastic headband around her ponytail and be wearing mascara, lip gloss, and no other makeup. ATTENTION: Sporty dykes are NOT butches. They are absolutely different.

Softball dykes will often wear their uniforms to the bar together. That is so gay. Bowling team dykes will not. Rugby dykes are humongous.

Basketball dykes are completely seperate from regular sporty dykes. That’s because basketball dykes are not out. If you encounter a female basketball player, even if she is licking a girl’s crotch at the moment you meet her, it is absolutely inappropriate to ask her if she is gay. She will never say yes, and will be offended forever. Buuuuuut the point is moot because a vast majority of female basketball players (at least at the college level) are homos. Undercover homos. Women’s basketball leagues try extremely hard to 'feminize' their teams and make sure they have male fans -hence the long hair on all players. Dykes in the know are aware of basketball’s rift with the gay community, and satisfy themselves with going to WNBA games to salivate over the super-tall players with bulging muscles that gleam with sweat. Mmmmmmm female basketball players. So do not ask a basketball player out. If she likes you and is gay, she will probably pass you a secret note or something. I don’t know, I’ve got no idea how the b-ball girls mate.

Q: Where do we find the sporty dyke?

A: The sporty dyke hangs out almost exclusively at any bar that offers a “ladies drink free” night. This means that we find the sporty dyke in a lot of straight bars that will quickly become gayish bars in a couple of months. If a bar or club offers a two-for-one deal on beer, chances are good that there is a pack of sporty dykes camped out there.

Bad things about sporty dykes:

Sporty dykes never have waists. Or hips. They are built in straight lines. Sporty dykes are strangely religious and often have Jesus Fish on their cars. They live in the suburbs. They like to dance, and they dance like morons. They like to drink, and they like to swear, and they like to start fights at the bar. They date each other. They flash gang signs when being photographed. They use the word “cunt” outside of the bedroom. They wear visors. They start every sentence with “Dude.”

Good things about sporty dykes:

Sporty dykes are hilarious. They make unbelievably obscene jokes. They blush when embarrassed. They can be incredibly sweet, and are heartbroken easily. When they fall in love, they are monogamous. Sporty dykes are willing to be friends if you are, and couldn’t care less about you if you don’t like them. They buy rounds. A sporty dyke is the most likely person in the room to know how to do “The Worm.” They determine whether a gay bar will stay open, as their collective drinking power is enough to keep any place afloat. Sometimes they have gorgeous sweating muscles. They know how to use every machine at the gym. They will encourage you to eat even more fried food.

She’s Probably A Sporty Dyke if She:

- Thinks her college sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers are appropriate for a special event
- Punches your shoulder to be friendly and it totally hurts
- Has a beer belly and the rest of her is fit
- Wears a bikini top and men’s board shorts to the pool
- Has a crucifix keychain with rainbow beads on it
- Keeps a beer bong in her closet from “that awesome Spring Break in the Keys”
- Gets thrown out of bars on a regular basis
- Thinks 'makeup' means Chapstick and sunscreen
- Was in a sorority
- Has friends named Ashleigh, Morgan, Shannen, and Carrie.
- Knows how to ‘carb-load’
- Has a Pontiac Trans-Am, Sunfire, or a Jeep.
- Could talk knowledgeably about the pros and cons of particular protein powders
- Has never left the state she was born in (let alone the country)
- Breaks bones on a regular basis and/or has ‘amazing’ bruises she wants to show you
- Has ever, ever called someone a “pussy” for not getting up to sing at karaoke.

BOIs

Let’s talk about bois. Boi is pronounced “boy” and “bois” is just like “boys.” A boi is a newish category of lesbian, named bois because they're extremely boy-ish looking girls. Usually sharp-featured and really, appallingly cute, a lesbian who identifies as a boi will have a certain bashful quality about her. As in, “I can’t help it, the ladies just love me.” And boy, do they ever. Everyone loves a cute boi. I mean everyone – men, women, kids, everyone. There is one exception to this: Middle-aged straight women often take great offense upon sighting a boi. They will then be hostile. This is a mystery.

Bois are extremely stylish, and dress nattily. They are usually skinny and naturally flat-chested (or wrapping their boobs up tightly with Ace bandages.) They come in many styles: bois who dress like skateboarders; preppy bois who wear ties and jeans with good sneakers; bois who wear a lot of smudged black eyeliner. Bois are currently the rock stars of the lesbian community – they’re trendy, and lots of people want one.

Bois are cocky and in your face. They think (or know) they are hot shit. They know they are sought-after and that girls love them, so they can sometimes be rude when someone undesirable hits on them. They think the following words/phrases are hilarious, and use them often: ‘my cock’, ‘pussy’, ‘dick’, ‘blowjob’, ‘eat it’, ‘suck it’, ‘She was hitting on me’, ‘fuck’, ‘fucking cocksucker’, ‘your mom’, ‘package’, and ‘I wasn’t doing anything’.

A boi would not be caught dead without the coolest shoes. These will be from Puma, Nike, Adidas, or Tiger Asics. Bois wear great jeans – usually men’s and expensive. They wear tight button-down shirts, skinny ties, and men’s undershirts and tank tops. Underneath, you’ll find boxer briefs or boy’s tighty-whities, sometimes with funny stuff on them, like Superman cartoons. Bois do not wear: Birkenstocks, clogs, Earth shoes, girl shoes of any kind, Tevas, UGGs, anything from The North Face, REI, Patagonia, Columbia, or anything made of fleece.

Bois know how to dance. If, for some reason, they don’t dance well, they are way too cool to go out on the floor and let someone discover it – they will sit back at their table, drinking beer from the bottle. Let the women come to them. Bois do a lot of leaning up against walls in clubs, looking cool. A boi does not smoke regularly, but will cheerfully bum one from you. No self-respecting boi orders wine when going out. They will however, have a great fondness for vodka, good tequila, and anything clear. Think martini, not Cosmo. Gin if it's a bad day.

Bois are usually good in bed. They think (and tell everyone who’ll listen for half a second) that they’re better than they are. It would not be out of the question for a boi to look deeply into your eyes and say, “I’m gonna rock your world,” without cracking a smile. This would not be considered cheesy.

Bois are intensely loyal friends. If you’ve made a boi friend, you have her for life. Exception: (you sleep with her girlfriend.) They are devoted to their family members, so forget about getting out of Family Christmas if you’re dating one. Bois communicate almost entirely by text. They are always in the loop. They love parties and get-togethers, cookouts and trips. They are the perfect shopping partners and insist on going into the dressing room with you. A boi will NOT sell out her friend or tattle about something she’s seen. She would go to prison for you. She is intensely private and has a problem with other people knowing her business.

Easy Ways to Spot a Boi:

- Who’s the cutest lil’ dyke in the room? There’s your boi.
- You say hi. She tilts her chin up at you in the classic “Whaddup” backwards-head-nod.
- There are three giggling straight girls gathered around her.
- She drinks insane amounts of either Red Bull or coffee.
- She has tattoos and/or piercings in visible places and is happy to tell you the fascinating story of each one.
- The names and number of her sex partners keep changing.
- She is constantly hidden in a corner having private Cell Phone Drama with someone she’s sleeping with.
- She has actually made a “V” with her first two fingers, put it over her mouth, and waggled her tongue in plain sight.
- Her sneakers look new and expensive.
- She thinks she makes a convincing drag king. This is rarely the case.
- She knows the words to every Missy Elliot song, as well as all trashy hip-hop songs.
- She uses more hair products to look “undone” than any straight girl.
- More than 3 roommates at any given time.
- She actually has a girlfriend, but this could be difficult to prove, as the girlfriend is rarely seen, like an endangered gazelle.
- Vast. Collection. Of Belts. Every boi worth her salt has at least ten belts, probably more.
- She constantly wears t-shirts that are funny/remind everyone she’s gay.
- She surrounds herself with other bois. When drunk, she will dirty dance with them in a phenomenon known as “bromance.”
- If you have seen her pantomime humping someone, she is probably a boi.

Baby Dyke!!

Next up, we have the Classic Butch’s Kid Brother, the Baby Butch. The Baby Butch gets her own category simply because she is young. Not to be confused with soft butches, bois, or fags, (more on these later) the Baby Butch is well on her way to becoming a full-blown Classic Butch, but she doesn’t know it yet. Baby Butches are extremely young – we’re talking anywhere from 7 to 24 years old. And don’t give me that “how-can-you-tell-she’s-only-a-child” bullshit. We have all seen baby butches in our lives. You know, the little girl down the street who's mistaken for a boy until she hits puberty. Not just a tomboy, the Baby Butch spends a lot of time showing off for the pretty girls in her grade, trying to make them laugh or trying to touch their hair. She knows early on that she likes girls, and will eventually be the one in high school with the word “Dyke” written in permanent marker on the front of her locker. No one will change with her in gym class, and if she doesn’t hate boys and straight girls already, high school will definitely take care of that.

Baby Butches are more likely than other kinds of lesbians to drop out of high school. They often have fucked-up family lives. (But not always! Don't hate!) It’s a pretty good bet that a Baby Butch has been abused in some way, but ain’t that the case for most women? Sometimes they are the only logical person in the family who can work…thus we often see the aforementioned Classic Butches in lower-paying, less highly-skilled jobs.

As Baby Butches age, they develop a sweetness and toughness that many people cannot resist. Baby Butches are the most likely, of all lesbians, to have their hair ruffled by strangers. People call them “kiddo.” They sneak into gay bars, and usually teach themselves to smoke in an effort to be cool. Baby Butches are not fooling anyone. Everybody knows an underage baby butch when she sees one. Sometimes they even still have chubby cheeks. The gay community can be very kind to Baby Butches – good thing, because no one else is. The old butches are affectionate to them because they remember themselves at that age, and the rest of the gays are nice because a Baby Butch is just so damn cute with her fake ID. She may grow up to be plug-ugly, mean, and built like a refrigerator, but for now a baby butch is tender and awkward; grateful for scraps of affection.

YOU KNOW YOUR CRUSH IS A BABY BUTCH IF SHE :

-Has most of the characteristics of a Classic Butch, but is under 24 years old
-Has been living on her own since she was 14
-Scans the room nervously, always keeping an eye on who’s coming and going
-Tries to buy you a drink even though it’s clear she’s 19 and broke
-Constantly looks as though someone might smack her
-Has a leather jacket that doesn’t quite look right (she got it at Goodwill)
-Has a mattress on her floor and almost nothing else
-Is extremely neat
-Positively reeks of men’s aftershave
-Is wearing all men's clothing and it's all too big
-Will do anything for her car
-Answers to “sir” without anger

No Shit She's Gay - Butches

We’re going to start off easy. I give you The Classic Butch. This specimen is probably the easiest kind of dyke to identify, due to obvious physical characteristics. The Classic Butch has short, man-styled hair – no exceptions. She was, and still is, a tomboy. Growing up, she lived in fear of being forced to wear a pink tutu in the school dance number. She will not wear most feminine articles of clothing – The CB prefers to shop in the men’s section of department stores, always looking for that perfectly-fitting jacket, and never finding that perfectly-fitting pair of pants. She wears men’s cologne and men’s underwear – usually boxers. She has a permanent fear of using public restrooms, as some bitch will invariably sneer at her, “Excuse me, but this is the WOMEN’S bathroom!”

It is likely that she has had the shit kicked out of her on more than one occasion for the way she looks. She has learned, by now, how to fight back. This cultivates the tough-on-the-outside-but-marshmallow-on-the-inside thing that CBs have going for them. Butches are the permanent underdog. Women attracted to them feel protected by their Classic Butch, and also extremely protective.

Often shy until she feels comfortable with you, the CB is intensely loyal to both her partner and her friends, many of whom she’s known for decades. She embarrasses easily, and her pride is also wounded easily. She is intensely hard-working, solid, and proud of herself. She is probably over 40. Often, a CB will work in a blue-collar job – factory work, maintenance, auto stuff, construction. She usually is good with money, unless it has to do with her partner. This is the area where Classic Butches lose all reason – if they love you, they will buy you/give you/steal for you ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. She will fix your car. She will kill all the spiders. She will give you pocket money, buy you Godiva, and force you to upgrade your phone. All you have to do is love her. Sadly, many Classic Butches become bitter, as their hearts are fragile and easily trampled upon. Many straight women have dated CBs directly after deciding they’re “done with” men. They are delighted to find they can be fucked (and well!) by a masculine (butch), yet non-threatening (because she’s female) force. Plus, the butch has the added bonus of smelling just like wonderful men’s cologne, and she remembers your favorite flower. What more could you ask for?

Warning: Classic Butches are either fan-fucking-tastically, jaw-droppingly amazing in bed, or they suck. There is no middle ground…and it can be hard to tell beforehand which one it’s gonna be. It is a gambling situation. Some CBs are all talk and a huge disappointment. Others will blow you away. Heh. Some butches are stone, which means they never let anyone reciprocate sex acts with them. They get sexual pleasure from giving you sexual pleasure. If you’re a lazy motherfucker and that sounds great, a stone butch is for you.

The Classic Butch drinks beer and can be found anywhere beer is cheap. She can appreciate a good wine, but only when coupled in front of a fireplace with a lovely female. CBs can definitely fix a flat. They may hate sports, but they keep up with major sporting events – they never know when they will be in a group of guys or other butches at the bar, and The Competition For Who Is The Butchest will commence. Butches use hair gel and should stop it immediately. They are secretly terrified of centipedes and mice, but know it is up to them to deal with such creatures. Although a Classic Butch would like everyone to think she is the top, or the sexually dominant person in the relationship, it is highly probable that she takes all kinds of bossing in her own home and bed. She is at her happiest when you are screaming your head off and leaving claw marks down her back on a lazy Sunday morning.

DEAD GIVEAWAYS THE WOMAN YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IS A CLASSIC BUTCH LESBIAN:

-She could be mistaken for a man (if you were blind and a douchewit.)
-She makes extreme eye contact with you, speaking directly and using her hands a lot.

-While making conversation, her cheeks or ears flush bright red.

-She guides you into a room like a gentleman, with her hand on the small of your back.
-Do you smell Aqua di Gio? Burberry for Men? Perhaps…Axe?

-No makeup. None. Not even a little. Not even concealer.

-She has plain, short nails.

-She gets very interested and quiet when there is a girly discussion about something, like shoes.

-She shuffles her feet and hunches her back. (This is from years of getting picked on.)

-She says things like, “You ladies go ahead without me.”

-She’s a shockingly bad dancer – at least to club music. She can definitely line-dance. She secretly dreams of the tango.

-She’s wearing all men’s clothing, and some of it doesn’t fit her very well.

-She could talk forever about the length settings on her hair clippers.

-She does all the things men used to do – opens doors, carries heavy stuff, walks you to your car, helps you with your jacket, pulls out chairs, etc.

-She always, always has gum or mints.

-She appears to have no breasts. (She probably just has one or two very tight sports bras on.)

-No jewelry. Especially no earrings, unless there is only one and it is a stud.

-Small children follow her around like she’s Jesus. (Children adore butch lesbians. It’s a proven fact.)

-You met her at the dog park.

-She built something for you. Anything. Shelves, a little bitty birdhouse, anything.

-One word for you: Plaid.

Finally, Classic Butches do not laugh at jokes with the word “pussy” in them. They are much too classy. They do not refer to women as “bitches” and they like terrible movies like The Notebook and Sweet Home Alabama. This is because they believe their true love is out there. Warm, wounded, and funny as shit, the true Classic Butch is a rare, fine breed of lesbian.

#1

Welcome to Effing Dykes, a blog for the people who want to figure out which girls are gay.

Lesbians are awesome and everywhere.
You meet them every damn day. And we're going to learn all about how to spot them, right here on Effing Dykes. Why? Because I love sleeping with girls, and I want you to have that joy, too!

Maybe you're a girl just figuring out you like other girls. Maybe you're forty and still can't tell if the woman you're dating will leave you for dick in the end. Maybe you're a dude whose girlfriends, over and over again, keep dumping him for women. You need some help.


Q: But how do we know what lesbians look like?

A: It's fucking impossible. You need guidence, and that's why I'm here. My name is Krista, and I have spectacular gaydar. You could call it a gift. My gaydar is the Eighth Wonder of the World. No homo can hide from me. I will find her out. Everyone, friends, is good at something, and I am good at quickly figuring out if someone is a muffdiver. Don’t be jealous – I’m sure you can multiply big numbers in your head or something.

It's not really your fault. How on Earth are you supposed to know? There are so many different types of women out there who may or may not be gay! There are femmes, and they look straight to you, but they’re totally gay. There are butch women with dyke haircuts and men’s carpenter jeans, and they’re straight. There is a whole category of women who look gay and aren’t and are completely offended to be asked. There is another whole category of women who look straight and aren’t and are completely offended to be asked. What about androgynous women? What about the entire state of Minnesota? What about girls with trendy glasses in art school? What about hippie chicks? What about trans girls? But most importantly, what about YOU??? How are you going to get laid?

Let's go hunting.