Dealbreakers

Happy day-after-Valentine's Day! I hope yours didn't suck. I myself had a brilliant Valentine's Day, filled with laughter and happiness and magic and homemade pot roast and brand-new white underpants all taunting me on my cute little piece's ass.

Now, for all you lonely motherfuckers out there, I want to discuss something. That something is Dealbreakers.

A dealbreaker is something that you would break up with a new girlfriend over. A dealbreaker is the one thing, or several things, that you cannot tolerate under any circumstances. If your date does it/has it, you leave immediately - no more texts, nothing.

My dealbreaker, for instance, is Large Nipples.

I'm not kidding. I could be in the middle of undressing Angelina Jolie, and if she had large nipples, I would leave bitch shivering in the cold. I once had a episode with a girl with long, silky hair and prominent hipbones (my favorite.) She was perfect. She was gorgeous. She was Catholic and all guilty. It was awesome.

Then she took off her bra....and SHE HAD NIPPLES THE SIZE OF YARMULKES. Dinner-plate-size. I didn't even know what to do. They were just staring at me, like, "What now, bitch?" I panicked. The end of this story is not pretty. I got the hell out of there and spent the rest of college avoiding her in creative-writing classes.

Large nipples scare the shit out of me. I could not carry on. You see? Dealbreaker.

I polled some dykes at the coffee shop this morning for their dealbreakers. Here's just the tip of the iceberg of what I got, in no particular order:

1) Obvious tooth decay

2) A dog that sleeps on the bed

3) Cheap bitches

4) Women who don't shave/groom/clip their pubic hair, ever - thus making it impossible to locate their genitals

5) A piercing on the top of your nose-bridge, right between the eyes

6) Extremely obese people

7) Someone who is not a vegan (WTF?)

8) Back-of-the-neck piercing

9) Smokers

10) Women who use any of the following words: 'Presh', 'sitch', 'LOL', 'Dave Matthew's Band', and 'touch base'.

Some of these I can understand. But some of these - who are you dating, homeless people? Who DOESN'T know, by now, that you have to shave that shit? Obvious tooth decay? Wouldn't that be a disqualifier by default??

I ask you. No wonder girls have trouble getting together. We're meeting other lesbians, hoping to get laid, and.. they have neck-piercings. Goddamn. We ain't asking for much. It's a rough world out there for lady-lovas.