Lesbian Until Graduation (LUGS)

Today I want to talk about a phenomenon known as "Lesbian Until Graduation (LUG)," a kind of "dyke" that has been creeping up into everybody's business since the 70s. Perhaps you know one? I sure as hell do.

LUGs are an interesting breed. They technically fall under the ‘bisexual’ category, but being a Lesbian Until Graduation is so common that it gets its own separate listing.

What is this? The label says it all. A LUG is a girl who says she’s a lez for most of the four years of college and then magically turns straight and gets married, almost overnight.

Q: How does this happen?

A: Well, college students are impressionable sheep, and it’s fucking trendy to be gay. Haven’t you noticed? Ellen. The L-Word. Girls Gone Wild. America’s Top Model. Will and Grace. Queer As Folk. Lindsay and Sam. Sex and the City.

Girls, by college age, have dated a few douchebags. They’re tired of competing to see who the Hottest Girl in the Room is. They’ve noticed that, while they kill themselves waxing, tanning, working out, plucking, tweezing, exfoliating, shaving, highlighting, squeezing, moisturizing, and dieting, the boys consider cargo pants “dressed up.” College girls want to break out – try something different. After all, that’s why they came to college.

They maybe take a few drama classes. Maybe some sculpture. Nothing big. They might go on Study Abroad.

And then they notice them. Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere. Arty dykes with cool hair and nose rings. Hot girls who are pulling off ‘hot’ while wearing flat shoes. Girls with discernible arm muscles. Girls who are getting laid without even shaving their armpits. Girls with opinions, girls who argue, girls who follow politics, girls who talk back, girls who don’t want/need/care about male attention.

And these girls are the coolest. They are girls like the collegiate freshman has always wanted to hang out with and never met. They're so...different!

But how to break into that inner circle? How to get invited to lesbian parties? How to feel socially oppressed when you're white and privileged? How do you get to warm your hands around a mug of coffee with a smartass dyke for a best friend?

You have to sleep with them.

So that’s what the LUG does.

Four years later, she’s ready to return to the heterosexual world; renewed, like a beautiful butterfly that wants to feel the special feeling that only comes from a cock in your mouth.