Wolf Leg Tattoo

Wolf Leg Tattoo

Tiger Leg Tattoo

Tiger Leg Tattoo

Japanese Character LegTattoo

Japanese Character LegTattoo

Flower Leg Tattoo

Flower Leg Tattoo

You've Stolen My Earhart

Holy fucking shit.

Have you ever seen a picture of Amelia Earhart?

'Cause she looks like this:
Jeeeeeezus. Why does nobody tell me anything important?

Why did I learn nothing of value in elementary school?

See this book?

I read this book in second grade. (I read it really fast, too. I was in the Owl group.)

This book talks about how brave Amelia Earhart was; how daring she was for her time. It tells you that girls can do everything!

For some reason, though, the book neglects to inform its impressionable reader that Amelia Earhart was a MOTHERFUCKING BUTCH

HEART ATTACK MONSTER BABE who will steal your soul if you look in her puckish, twinkling dyke-eyes.

NOWHERE in the book are there actual pictures of Amelia Earhart.
Had there been real pictures, I could have saved myself years of painful questioning and experimentation. One look at Amelia would have solved it. *BAM!*

I would have opened to Page One and gone, "Oh, I guess I'm a homosexual. Thanks, Amelia Earhart!"

Girls really can do everything.

So, after seeing real photographs of Amelia Earhart, the question is: What am I supposed to do now?

I was going to go see Amelia on the big screen this Friday. You know, because Hilary Swank is in it. Hilary Swank acting dyke-y is like Christmas morning for my imagination.

Boys Don't Cry? Tragic. I was shattered.

But: new fantasies. (I realize this is like jerking off to Schindler's List, but it can't be helped.)Million Dollar Baby? Tragic.

But: I was set for months of "Krista Alone Time."Hilary Swank as Amelia Earhart in Amelia? Let me give that a FUCK YES. I was ready to see this movie.
But now I just don't know. I don't know if I can stand to watch Hilary swanking around in my lover Amelia's clothes.

Now that I've learned the truth about the real Amelia Earhart (namely, that she was so hot I've been considering drowning myself in a cold shower, just to be with her)...I'm not so sure I can watch this movie.

Well. A passionate crush on a dead person.

I've sunk to a new low.

Unlike the time I had a boner for Kylee, the barista/cello player who models on the side, this time, my crush is dead.

No amount of charm is going get me into Amelia's jodhpurs. Nothing I can say or do is going to get me anywhere near that sweet boyish pilot-ass.

Maybe if I go see Hilary Swank in Amelia, I can conjure up an imaginary threesome: me, Amelia I, and Amelia II. "Ladies, are we sure we have enough lube for the propeller? It's going to be a very long flight, and we'll really be packed in there."

That miiiiiiiight make me feel better.

NothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthy

Sexy Girl with Lower Back Tribal and Flower Tattoo

Sexy Girl with Lower Back Tribal and Flower Tattoo

Sexy Girl Lower Back Tattoo Feathers

Sexy Girl Lower Back Tattoo Feathers

Sexy Girl with Lower Back Tattoo Fairy

Sexy Girl with Lower Back Tattoo Fairy

Cute Hello Kitty Lower Back Tattoo

Cute Hello Kitty Lower Back Tattoo

Fangs for Nothin'

Hey gays!

Yesterday morning, I was home in Chicago and I was awake early.
Both of these circumstances are unusual. I am never home and I am never, ever awake early.

The dawn broke. I was suddenly taken with the way my favorite lil' piece looked in the morning light. She was naked, sleeping, and had both her arms thrown over her head. (Cosmo's What Does Your Man's Sleeping Style Say About Him? article says that means CJ is arrogant yet needing love.) She looked adorable. She looked soft. She looked...vulnerable.

My thirst was unbearable. With the deathly Dark hiss of the Undead, I reared back. I bared my fangs. Exposed soft flesh! I lunged!

My victim's scream pierced the cold morning air.

It was almost as loud as mine.

OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Awakened in a flash, CJ lept from a dead sleep to fully standing.
"BABY, WHAT THE HELL???!" she bellowed.

I couldn't speak. I was crouched in the corner, covering my mouth with my hands, making small, mewling noises.

People, I...I chipped my tooth. On CJ's hipbone.

I've never had very good depth perception.

Perhaps this is God's way of saying, "I don't like it when you do role-playing with your homosexual lover."

The tiny, deep-blue puncture-mark on her skin started slowly filling up with blood.

CJ nobly forgot her fury when she saw that my pain was greater than hers.

CJ: Did you hurt your mouth?

(I can't answer)

CJ: What the hell were you doing?
(I can't answer)

CJ: Here, lemme see. (Pries my hand away from my mouth) Your tooth?
(I nod miserably)

CJ: It's chipped! You chipped your fang!
(slowly dawning realization)
Omigod...I'm safe! Safe at last!!

This sucks. Fuuuuuuck. My cute lil' sharp canine. My fang!

How am I supposed to be a vampire now?
Shit.

I used to think I was special, but now I know the truth. I'm not the only lesbian with a vampire thing. (Tawnya, if you're reading this, I want my vamporn comics back. And the pages better not be all stuck together.) There's tons of lesbo-vampire erotica out there. Lots of us dykes loooove vampires. Why is that?
Not surprisingly, I have theories.

Theory #1: Lesbians love vampires because they're sexy. Draining someone's life-force through a throbbing, vulnerable pulse point is kinda...ummm, alotlikefistingwhosaidthat? Think about it: Vampires. Someone is clearly the top, and someone is clearly the bottom. There's a lot of power-play goin' on. Also, instead of being portrayed in the media as hideous monsters, vampire-women are always hot babes who wear tight black outfits and vicious heels. Dykes like hot babes in tight black outfits even more than straight male teenagers. Theory #2: Lesbians love vampires because vampires, just like lesbians, actively recruit. You get bitten by a vampire and like it; you join the team. You get fucked by a hot girl and like it; you join the team.
Theory #3: Lesbians love vampires because vampires are not afraid of blood. Lesbians aren't afraid of blood, either. They can't be. Take two girls living together - when their cycles start matching up, that bathroom trash is going to look like a murder scene once a month. Theory #4: Lesbians like vampires because boi dykes want Edward Cullen's hair. Theory #5: Lesbians like vampires because a surprising amount of dykes have strangely sharp canine teeth. It's true! Look around at your muff-diving friends. Check out those teeth! I think it must be genetic. Sharp canines = more likely to want to bite tender female necks.
Theory #6: Lesbians love vampires because lesbians worship Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie used to wear a vial of her lover's blood around her neck. She no longer does this. Obviously, it was an emergency snack.
I don't know about you homos, but I've read/seen enough Ann Rice, True Blood, Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc etc to fill my mind with violent vampire nonsense and trash, 24 hours a day!

It is not my fault if the females around me continue to get undressed with no thought to their personal safety.

So the lion laid down with the lamb.

What a stupid lamb.

What a sick, masochistic lion (who has to go to the dentist.)

More Classtime = More Asstime

Alright, everybody put your book under your desk.

Get out a sheet of paper and a pencil.

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!

Read each question carefully.

1) Diana the Bisexual Hipster lives in New York City. She spends her time going to concerts for bands that nobody's ever heard of. One night, at a concert for The Weakerthans, Diana sees A Really Hot Girl. Diana gets a drink at the bar and decides to watch the Really Hot Girl for a minute, to gauge the situation. The Really Hot Girl is: mixed ethnicity, slim, and has a choppy haircut with colored streaks.

Tonight, she is wearing: tight-ass jeans, smart-girl glasses, leather cuffs on both her wrists, a T-shirt with butterflies and unicorns on it, a Carhartt jacket, lots of eyeliner, and black motorcycle boots.

IS THE REALLY HOT GIRL STRAIGHT OR GAY? ______________

WHAT SHOULD DIANA DO? ___________________

--------------------------------------------------------------

2) Alicia Homosexual works on a large horse ranch in Bumblefuck, New Mexico. She works with lots of ranch hands, but she especially likes Jan, a ranch hand who seems as if she might be a lesbian. Alicia isn't sure whether Jan prefers men or women, and would like to be sure before asking Jan out. (Rural New Mexico is not the place to be asking other people if they are gay, and ranch hands carry guns.)

Jan is: 45 years old, Caucasian, brawny, and has a short haircut.

Today, she is wearing: men's jeans, a worn flannel shirt, a Carhartt jacket, brown steel-toed boots, a vest with lots of pockets, and an assortment of gold rings - one on almost every finger. Jan has pierced ears. She never wears sunscreen.

IS JAN STRAIGHT OR GAY? __________________

WHAT SHOULD ALICIA DO? _________________

Each of these questions is worth 50% of your final grade.
TIME'S UP! Pencils down.

Pass your papers forward.

Ok, people, are you ready for the answers?

Let's look at Question #1.

Q: Is the Really Hot Girl straight or gay?

A: Ha! Is this test for babies?

The Really Hot Girl is, without question, 100% gay. Absolutely, positively a dyke. How do I know? Fuck everything else, look at her Carhartt jacket! Only lesbians wear Carhartt jackets in the city.

If you don't know, a Carhartt jacket is khaki-or-olive-colored jacket you can buy at Fleet Farm, and Carhartt is a brand-name for farmers.

You cannot live in a city and have a Carhartt jacket and not be a lesbian. It is simply not possible. Hipster dykes wear them "ironically." Straight people do not own ironic items from Carhartt.

Q: What should Diana the Bisexual Hipster do?

A: Buy that ironic lesbian a drink! Then spend the rest of the night comparing who knows more people in shitty bands.

How about Question #2?

Q: Is Jan straight or gay?

A: Trick question!!

It's impossible to tell.

Jan has all the classic dyke signifiers: she's big and muscular, has a short haircut, and she wears men's clothes, including the Carhartt Jacket.

BUT!!!!! Jan works on a ranch in rural New Mexico. Farm women look like dykes, dress like dykes, and act like dykes. Most of the time, though, they're straight.

Do you understand why Jan is not definitely a lesbian? Jan is not wearing the Carhartt jacket ironically. Jan is a real ranch hand who really works on a ranch! Alicia needs definitive proof that Jan likes women, such as finding girlie mags under Jan's mattress.

Q: What should Alicia Homosexual do?

A: Stay the hell away from Jan until she's certain Jan is gay.

Hoo!

These were tricky, weren't they?

Well, we've been working on our Girlie Gaydar for a long time now; it's only natural that the questions would be getting harder.

So, to sum up, just so we're all on the same page here:

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket and lives in a large city...She's gay.

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket and lives in the country...She's straight until further notice.

* If a woman is wearing a Carhartt jacket, is from the country, and is visiting a large city...she's gay and in town for Pride Weekend.

And class? Everybody failed.

We can't submit these scores! With No Child Left Behind, we'd be in deep shit.
We'll call this a practice test, and try again soon.

Not For Consumption

AGGGGH!!!!!!

Have you seen this saying before?

You have?

Well, I hadn't. Apparently, this is an tired, old, jokey-lesbian saying. Gayelles have been kidding around with this for years. I had no idea.

I saw this phrase on a lesbian's t-shirt in Grand Rapids, Michigan last night. I happened to be in a weird, dark, gay diner called Pub 43 (for-no-particular-reason-I-totally-wasn't-trying-to-pick-up-any-old-school-butches-in-an-economically-depressed-area-or-anything.)

The t-shirt offender had her back to me. She was playing pool. A french fry, half-eaten, fell softly out of my astonished mouth.

Do you have any idea how sweet even a tablespoon of honey is??

Christ on a bike.

Unable to tear my eyes away from the horrific t-shirt; unable to stem the tide of images the shirt suggested, I promptly threw up all over my plate and died and then puked again.

Nonononononono. "Dip me in honey and feed me to the lesbians" is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Do you know why, homosexuals?

Because I only have a few hard-and-fast (yes) rules about sex, and one of the most important is:

Food and Sex Must Never, Ever Happen At the Same Time.

FUCK NO. No whipped cream and strawberries. No eating while fucking. No chocolate sauce dripping off your lover's body. No eating sushi off naked girls. No cucumbers from the garden. No flavored lubes, no edible underpants, no motherfucking licking honey off any part of another human being's body, ever ever ever!

This rule has cost me dearly.

An ex of mine once brought home some chocolate body paint. It had a cute little paintbrush and came with honey dust. Harmless, right?

Maybe for you.

She waggled the brush at me playfully.

"C'mere," she said.

"Um, no thanks," I said.

The Ex was insistent.

I was polite but firm. No way was I playing with that chocolate fuckery.

The Ex called me boring. She called me unspontaneous!

I didn't rise to the bait.

She said that, you know what? We were always having the same fucking fight, and that fight was really about control. I was selfish and only wanted to do things on my agenda. (This is actually true.)

I didn't care. The Ex was hot. In those days, you could call me names as long as you looked nice naked.
She started crying. I went to hug her.

In a flash, she had that paintbrush out; dipped it in the chocolate, and wiped it on my cheek!

BITCH YOU CAN'T EAT ME!! I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE SUCKLING PIG!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We broke up shortly after this little episode.

Now, I know a lot of you are going to disagree with me on this, but c'mon!

Food and sex don't go together.

Eating is a sensual experience. Sex is a sensual experience.
Both at the same time is too many sensual experiences. Greedy!

Plus, if you turn into a food-sex person, you'll start feeding your partner bites at the restaurant table, just to watch her mouth. (Remember when guys used to do that on Elimadate? They'd get the biggest mouthful of fondue and "feed" it to their dumb date. The dates always opened wide to "take the load.")

I know the dyke in the t-shirt at Pub 43 was just trying to announce to the room that she was gay, but everybody already knew that. And now we had nightmare fodder.

She ruined my dinner. My life's ruined, too. Btw.

At least until I forget about this.

And that could take daaaaaaays.