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Gold Star Lesbians

"Krista, what the hell is a Gold Star Lesbian?"

My mouth fell open. Here I was with my straight friend of ten years, and she didn't know what a Gold Star Lesbian was? After all this time spent eating delicious fried food with me?

Come on!

A Gold Star Lesbian is a lesbian who has never slept with a man. She's been gay since birth. Soooo gay that she never even thought to check out the other side. Sooooo gay that she might never have even seen a penis in real life. A Gold Star Lesbian is the gold standard - the gayest of gay.

I wish I was one.

Just kidding! If I hadn't tried boys, how would I know how infinitely superior girls are??

I've slept with boys.
It was, um, educational.
I guess.

Anyway! the point is - Gold Star Lesbians are finger-bangin' great. They don't have diseases. (Unless they sleep with lots of bisexuals.) They'll sleep with you when you have your period and say things like, "I think it's beautiful. It's part of being a woman" while you die laughing. They know their way around a girl.

And lots of lezzies want to be one. Gold Star Posers! There are plenty of girls trying to hide that onnnnnnne little dick-slip they had in high-school. But there's no covering it up.

Because being a Gold Star Lesbian is kind of like being an Eagle Scout. You can't always put your finger on it, but there's something good about it.

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The Naked-Lady Spa

Saturday was my birthday!

Do you know what happens on your birthday?

No?

Everybody else has to pay $35, but you get in free at the Olympus Spa (aka the Korean Naked Lady Spa) in Seattle!

Don't be jealous.

My friend Kirsten said we were going. This is what I pictured:

Happy birthday to me.
But it wasn't like that.

When you walk in the door, Korean ladies give you a clipboard with stern reminders like, "Clothing of ANY KIND is STRICTLY prohibited" and "Women on their menstrual cycle are prohibited in the pool area." Then they give you a hospital-robe and a gorgeous cotton showercap. And a tour! You get to take a tour of all the special rooms, and everybody looks like a patient in the psych ward, all drinking tea in their showercaps.

I was imagining a Turkish-bath sort of situation, with steaming clinical-looking pools and cement floors, but this was actually posh.

I was also imagining enormous women with tits hanging down to their knees, but I forgot I live in Seattle, so that everywhere I looked, there were more attractive naked women. "Clothing prohibited." Thank you, Jesus.

Where to look??? At first, I didn't look at anyone, for fear they would be alerted to the fact that I was a huge pervert. Then I realized it couldn't matter less. We all had the same equipment. For once, I was free to stare openly at other womens' chests, and for once, it was completely non-erotic. Is this not irony? I spend most of my waking life telling myself, "Don't look at her boobs. Don't. Look. At. Her. Boobs", and here were thousands of bouncing breasts, here for the eye-raping!

And I didn't even care. By the end of the day, I was so relaxed, I was floppy. At the Korean Naked Lady Spa, it was nudity en masse, and it was actually very normal. I was not having erotic fantasies at any moment. No lie! This must be how it feels to be a straight girl all the time! God, if I were a straight girl, I would get so much done. I would have so much free time from not-thinking about hot women that I would be painting napkin-rings to match my barrettes. I would put window-clings up for every holiday. I would buy air-fresheners and bake shit and work out like 20 hours a day.


My life would be easy.

FAGS

True or False:

A fag is a gay boy who acts queeny.

True! If you're talking about boys.

False! If you're talking about lesbians.

Don't get confused. A fag is just a butch lesbian who is attracted to other butch lesbians. Boi on boi, get it?

The lesbian community does not always regard these relationships highly. Neither does straight society, which, if it has to be confronted with gay women at all, would be much happier seeing two blonde femmes delicately lapping at each others’ "kitties". You know. Like they do in porn.

Hello! Butch-on-butch love can be HOT. When I’m alone in my bed and…reading, my mind always goes back to butch-on-butch scenarios. Mmmm big muscle-y dykes with power tools and handcuffs…anyway! just think about it.

What if you could have two of these little treasures? All making out with each other in front of you? Jesus.

However…just like with all lesbians, it’s not usually like that in real life. Butch-on-butch is sneered at by a lot of queers because it often..just…ain’t…sexy in when you see it. Sometimes lezzies kinda, um, let themselves go, and nowhere is that tendency more prevalent than in the butch-on-butch situation. I like a thick girl myself, but man! I don’t wanna picture two flabby butches in leather, bumping their bellies and stretch marks together. And I wouldn’t picture it, except for I think about people having sex like it's my job.

True or False:

A fag is a gay boy who acts queeny.

True! If you're talking about boys.

False! If you're talking about lesbians.

Don't get confused. A fag is just a butch lesbian who is attracted to other butch lesbians. Boi on boi, get it?

However…just like with all lesbians, it’s not usually like that in real life. Butch-on-butch is sneered at by a lot of queers because it often..just…ain’t…sexy when you see it. Sometimes lezzies kinda, um, let themselves go, and nowhere is that tendency more prevalent than in the butch-on-butch situation. I like a thick girl myself, but man! I don’t wanna picture two flabby butches in leather, bumping their bellies and stretch marks together.

The lesbian community does not always regard fag relationships highly. Neither does straight society, which, if it has to be confronted with gay women at all, would be much happier seeing two blonde femmes delicately lapping at each others’ "kitties". You know. Like they do in porn.

Hello! Butch-on-butch love can be HOT. When I’m alone in my bed and…reading, my mind always goes back to butch-on-butch scenarios. Mmmm big muscle-y dykes with power tools and handcuffs…anyway! just think about it.

What if you could have two of these little treasures? All making out with each other in front of you? Jesus.

And I wouldn’t picture it, except for I think about people having sex like it's my job.

Power Dykes

When I was in middle school, there was a surprise assembly for the 8th-graders. We were herded into the gym, and as we settled ourselves on the bleachers, the Power Team burst in and catapulted themselves onstage. The Power Team! Men and women with huuuuge muscles; neon-yellow Lycra outfits; giant hair! They could do flips from a standing position! They could lift each other up with one hand! Every time they did a trick, they would all growl in unison, "POWER TEAM!!!"

They grunted. They sweated. One lady ripped a phonebook in half with her bare fucking hands.

She was an animal! Her forearm-veins popped.

POWER TEAM!

It was all anybody could talk about for days. We would crumple up our soda cans and grunt "Powwwa Team!!" It was the punchline.

I still do this. If it's funny once, it's funny every time.

Today's post about Power Dykes has nothing to do with the Power Team. It's just that every bitch from Bay View Middle School seems to have forgotten how amazing that was!

But I digress. We're here to talk homos. And inquiring minds want to know: What's a Power Dyke?

A Power Dyke is a lesbian who makes a lot of money in a professional setting. She may even make as much as a man!!

Probably not, though.

Power Dykes live in big cities. They don't rent; they buy. They flip houses. They have vacation homes. They also have a time-share at a condo in Mexico. More than the time-share itself, power dykes like to say, "I have a time-share at a condo in Mexico." (The feeling they get from saying this is a shudder of pleasure - something akin to an orgasm.) They drive subtly luxurious cars, but nothing as ostentatious as a BMW or a Porshe. Power dykes are more likely to to buy the really high-end Volvo, instead of the middle-of-the range Volvo. Wooo power has its perks.

Power dykes, for all their money, often dress astonishingly poorly. Your Super Power Dyke has a closet full of tailored suits and tasteful accessories, but the power dyke struggling up the corporate ladder wears pants that don't fit her and fugly polyester-mix jackets. She is identifiable by her bad haircut, which is a mixture of a butch haircut and a stripper haircut (think obvious highlights and the word "funky.") The resulting style is...confused.Now, power dykes tend to be incredibly private people. This is because they are afraid to be openly gay, as it might affect their jobs. A good place to look for a power dyke is in a hospital - either administration or one of the doctors. She might also be the CEO of an odd niche company that you've never heard of, like a company that makes carpet staples.

WORKAHOLIC! The power dyke defines herself by her job, like a dude. No fun. She does, however, pick up the check. And the rent. And the grocery bill. There is nothing the power dyke likes more than paying for your ass. Good thing, too, because there is nothing I like better than having someone pay for all my shit. In a social setting, the power dyke prefers classy straight bars, also known as "boring places." They have trouble getting laid and often post sad ads on Craigslist with the title "Professional Lesbian Seeking". (Wow! You're a professional lesbian?)

Power dykes are fucking freaks in bed. You work all day with douchebags in khakis, you wanna blow off a little steam. My friend "Ray" is a power dyke, and she bit a girl's tongue almost in half during sex. No lie. Bitch needed stitches! I dated one, and I couldn't walk properly for the entire 10 months of the relationship. Owww.

Bike Punk Dykes

Once upon a time in my early twenties, I met an interesting girl we'll call Kat.

Kat was muscle-y and had short, bleached-white hair. She had piercings all over her face, ripped tights, and a bad attitude. She a wore miniskirts with legwarmers and smoked cloves. She had a tattoo of the Mississippi River all the way down her back. I had never seen anything like her. I became instantly obsessed with my new mission: tracing down the Mississippi with my tongue.

When I finally achieved this goal, I noticed something: She tasted like dirt.

Kat was my first bike punk dyke.

A bike punk dyke is the same as a Rabidly Political Dyke, except she doesn't care about any cause except herself. And her bike.

Bike punk dykes won't call themselves lesbians. They use the word "queer" exclusively. This is in case they slip, while wasted, and have slutty times with a boy. Well, it's hard to tell what's under all that hair!

They only date each other. Because of this, the usual ban on sleeping with a friend's girlfriend is lifted. It is not unusual to meet a group of bike punk friends who: live together; have all slept together; are all currently sleeping together, and/or have members who are sleeping with each other "secretly" but everybody knows and is fine with it.


They talk in a strange language that involves the words "fixies" and "mustache handlebars" and "single-speeds" and "vertical dropout" and "grip-tape." Bike punk dykes sometimes buy really expensive bikes and then paint over the brand-names with black paint. Those are the bike punks with Rich Parent Shame.

Bike punks are dumpster-divers. Not because they want to reduce waste, but because they are cheap bastards. They are vegetarians by default, since meat goes bad fast in a dumpster. They'll drink if it's free. Hell, they'll drink if it's not free - bike punk dykes just drink.
They believe in anarchy, but only the fun kind of anarchy where you get to steal shit.
They are fun girls to have around. Bike punk fashion is awesome. These ladies know how to avoid work better than any other lezzies around. They love to dance, screw, and smoke. They always go to indie concerts. They do all their own piercings - how fucking hardcore is that? Plus they know how to do bonfires right. They swear like sailors, and they have great bodies.
HOWEVER......
Bike punk dykes do not wash. They don't take baths. Not for you, not for anybody. And they think their own "natural" (read: armpit) smell is sexy. Mmmm just imagine getting that gamey taste in your mouth...

Rabidly Political Dykes

Soooooo, sometimes you care about a political cause. Like Obama. Or gay rights. Or saving the manatees. Foreign languages in schools. The over-use of fur in fashion magazines. Or, um, sharing the road with bicycles. Preservative-free food for babies. Breastfeeding and pandas. Whatever. Everybody cares about something. Rabidly political dykes, however, care about everything.

These girls can be found in their natural habitat – the protest rally. Or the meeting to organize a protest rally. Easily identifiable by their beater cars (or bikes) with more than 5 unrelated bumper stickers, rabidly political dykes hate and love to be oppressed.

This category can cross over onto any of the already-mentioned lesbian categories. If you’re unsure whether your crush is a rabidly political dyke, there are ways to be certain.

1) It's 8 a.m. You say, “Good morning.” She says, “Did you read that piece of trash from Ann Coulter in the NY Times today???!! What a righteous cunt!”

2) Around the water cooler, you say, “Wasn't The Office sooo funny last night?” She says, “I don’t have a TV," in smug-bitch voice.

3) You're going to have sex! You say, “Do you like Barry White?” She says, “Did you know All Things Considered is on?”

4) Your dream date: Ellen. Funny and cute. Ok-or-Angelina Jolie-but-only-in-Tomb-Raider-and-only-if-she-wears-the-outfit.Her dream date: Rachel Maddow. A smart democrat and she's not ugly.

5) Your best impression: Scooby Doo.
Her best impression: Sarah Palin denying knowledge of the Axis of Evil.

Good things about rabidly political dykes:

They always take your side if you’re sleeping with them. They’re easy to shop for, since they’re secretly attracted to expensive yuppie things. They have rich parents. They travel to fun places to protest, like Washington D.C. They can always score weed. They always know which speaking events will have an open bar. They have lots of cool friends in lots of places, and you can stay with them for free. They have the best smartass t-shirts. They are really fucking sexy when debating, and they sometimes wear hot glasses. They’re in great shape from all that marching. They win every argument.

Bad things about rabidly political dykes:

VEGANS. They feel they don’t have to shave anything, and that includes bush. They say irritating things like, “Is this biodegradable?” and “Don’t eat that. It has like 30 chemicals in it.” You can’t bring one home to your parents because she and your dad will start World War III. They’re poor. They have toilet paper in their house that costs 6 bucks a roll and disintegrates in your hand. They can’t appreciate strippers. They have more than one cat. They get pissed if you use the word "retarded". They won’t go see the new Beyonce movie. They have weird, nagging ‘inspirational’ wall hangings that say things like, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” There are Tibetan prayer flags somewhere in the house. They win every argument.

David Beckham with Angel Tattoos designs

Looking for your next tattoo? Well if you are then you will want to stay right here for a few minutes. You will find a ton of great angel tattoo designs and pics all organized into a gallery. Angel wings and angel tattoo are hot right now and only growing in popularity.

Angel tattoos-Great angel tattoo design

Beckham has his sons' names and a Guardian Angel tattooed on his back

Angel tattoos are great becuase they can be used by both men and women and can vary between sweet cherub angels to more menacing designs of guardian angel tattoo that are often done in black and white. It is also very common for people to get angel tattoos as a memorial of a loved one who has passed. This masculine angel covers most of this female’s back, with huge wings covering both the left and right hand side.Whatever your reasons are for considering an angel tattoo there is a wide vareity of styles and designs to choose from and angel tattoos make a wonderful finished work of art.

Dealbreakers

Happy day-after-Valentine's Day! I hope yours didn't suck. I myself had a brilliant Valentine's Day, filled with laughter and happiness and magic and homemade pot roast and brand-new white underpants all taunting me on my cute little piece's ass.

Now, for all you lonely motherfuckers out there, I want to discuss something. That something is Dealbreakers.

A dealbreaker is something that you would break up with a new girlfriend over. A dealbreaker is the one thing, or several things, that you cannot tolerate under any circumstances. If your date does it/has it, you leave immediately - no more texts, nothing.

My dealbreaker, for instance, is Large Nipples.

I'm not kidding. I could be in the middle of undressing Angelina Jolie, and if she had large nipples, I would leave bitch shivering in the cold. I once had a episode with a girl with long, silky hair and prominent hipbones (my favorite.) She was perfect. She was gorgeous. She was Catholic and all guilty. It was awesome.

Then she took off her bra....and SHE HAD NIPPLES THE SIZE OF YARMULKES. Dinner-plate-size. I didn't even know what to do. They were just staring at me, like, "What now, bitch?" I panicked. The end of this story is not pretty. I got the hell out of there and spent the rest of college avoiding her in creative-writing classes.

Large nipples scare the shit out of me. I could not carry on. You see? Dealbreaker.

I polled some dykes at the coffee shop this morning for their dealbreakers. Here's just the tip of the iceberg of what I got, in no particular order:

1) Obvious tooth decay

2) A dog that sleeps on the bed

3) Cheap bitches

4) Women who don't shave/groom/clip their pubic hair, ever - thus making it impossible to locate their genitals

5) A piercing on the top of your nose-bridge, right between the eyes

6) Extremely obese people

7) Someone who is not a vegan (WTF?)

8) Back-of-the-neck piercing

9) Smokers

10) Women who use any of the following words: 'Presh', 'sitch', 'LOL', 'Dave Matthew's Band', and 'touch base'.

Some of these I can understand. But some of these - who are you dating, homeless people? Who DOESN'T know, by now, that you have to shave that shit? Obvious tooth decay? Wouldn't that be a disqualifier by default??

I ask you. No wonder girls have trouble getting together. We're meeting other lesbians, hoping to get laid, and.. they have neck-piercings. Goddamn. We ain't asking for much. It's a rough world out there for lady-lovas.