Sporty Dykes

Alright. Time to discuss Sporty Dykes. Sporty Dykes is an enormous category, spanning many other categories. Lots of dykes can play sports or like sports, but there is a certain kind of lesbian that is a True Sporty Dyke.

Sporty Dykes hang out in packs. Where there’s one, there’s twelve. This is because they’ve spent the majority of their lives on a sports team of some kind and are unable to function independently in a social setting. They can be instantly identified in any room by the amount of ass-slapping and shoulder-hitting going on. Sporty dykes usually have a sunburn and/or freckles. IF they have long hair, it is in a ponytail. No exceptions. A younger sporty dyke will have a colored elastic headband around her ponytail and be wearing mascara, lip gloss, and no other makeup. ATTENTION: Sporty dykes are NOT butches. They are absolutely different.

Softball dykes will often wear their uniforms to the bar together. That is so gay. Bowling team dykes will not. Rugby dykes are humongous.

Basketball dykes are completely seperate from regular sporty dykes. That’s because basketball dykes are not out. If you encounter a female basketball player, even if she is licking a girl’s crotch at the moment you meet her, it is absolutely inappropriate to ask her if she is gay. She will never say yes, and will be offended forever. Buuuuuut the point is moot because a vast majority of female basketball players (at least at the college level) are homos. Undercover homos. Women’s basketball leagues try extremely hard to 'feminize' their teams and make sure they have male fans -hence the long hair on all players. Dykes in the know are aware of basketball’s rift with the gay community, and satisfy themselves with going to WNBA games to salivate over the super-tall players with bulging muscles that gleam with sweat. Mmmmmmm female basketball players. So do not ask a basketball player out. If she likes you and is gay, she will probably pass you a secret note or something. I don’t know, I’ve got no idea how the b-ball girls mate.

Q: Where do we find the sporty dyke?

A: The sporty dyke hangs out almost exclusively at any bar that offers a “ladies drink free” night. This means that we find the sporty dyke in a lot of straight bars that will quickly become gayish bars in a couple of months. If a bar or club offers a two-for-one deal on beer, chances are good that there is a pack of sporty dykes camped out there.

Bad things about sporty dykes:

Sporty dykes never have waists. Or hips. They are built in straight lines. Sporty dykes are strangely religious and often have Jesus Fish on their cars. They live in the suburbs. They like to dance, and they dance like morons. They like to drink, and they like to swear, and they like to start fights at the bar. They date each other. They flash gang signs when being photographed. They use the word “cunt” outside of the bedroom. They wear visors. They start every sentence with “Dude.”

Good things about sporty dykes:

Sporty dykes are hilarious. They make unbelievably obscene jokes. They blush when embarrassed. They can be incredibly sweet, and are heartbroken easily. When they fall in love, they are monogamous. Sporty dykes are willing to be friends if you are, and couldn’t care less about you if you don’t like them. They buy rounds. A sporty dyke is the most likely person in the room to know how to do “The Worm.” They determine whether a gay bar will stay open, as their collective drinking power is enough to keep any place afloat. Sometimes they have gorgeous sweating muscles. They know how to use every machine at the gym. They will encourage you to eat even more fried food.

She’s Probably A Sporty Dyke if She:

- Thinks her college sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers are appropriate for a special event
- Punches your shoulder to be friendly and it totally hurts
- Has a beer belly and the rest of her is fit
- Wears a bikini top and men’s board shorts to the pool
- Has a crucifix keychain with rainbow beads on it
- Keeps a beer bong in her closet from “that awesome Spring Break in the Keys”
- Gets thrown out of bars on a regular basis
- Thinks 'makeup' means Chapstick and sunscreen
- Was in a sorority
- Has friends named Ashleigh, Morgan, Shannen, and Carrie.
- Knows how to ‘carb-load’
- Has a Pontiac Trans-Am, Sunfire, or a Jeep.
- Could talk knowledgeably about the pros and cons of particular protein powders
- Has never left the state she was born in (let alone the country)
- Breaks bones on a regular basis and/or has ‘amazing’ bruises she wants to show you
- Has ever, ever called someone a “pussy” for not getting up to sing at karaoke.