Bikini Kill

What's up, lady-lovers?

One thing that's great about the Internet is that we can learn from one another.  

[via hellogirls]

I can learn about your views on scissoring, and you can spare yourself epic pain from reading about my mistakes.

It's fun!  Sharing!

As a matter of fact, I feel like sharing a mistake right now!

So:  The other day, I got my new issue of Vogue, and inside was a glossy ad starring Drew Barrymore.  

Drew (has she ever not played herself in a movie? Aren't you sick to fucking death of her??) was advertising Outlast Lipstain, which is a cute lil' lip-thingie that looks just like a marker and smells like berries.  

I got excited.  


First of all:  I like makeup.  I like makeup so much that if I go to Sephora, I immediately have to poop.  That's how excited I get.  


And secondly: I like lip-thingies.  Any kind.  Gloss, lipstick, balm, chapstick, cheap, expensive; whatever - I don't care and I have about 3,000 kinds.

And here was a new kind of lip-product!  A stain!  Colors the lips without leaving any kind of smear when you make out!  


Obviously made for femme lesbians, aka the masters of "no-makeup" makeup.

 (by ADRIEN!)

I wanted the lip stain.  I needed the lip stain.  So I went to the 24-hour drugstore near my house and purchased the lip stain.


Back at home, it was like being a coke addict.  

My hands shook slightly as I peeled off the plastic packaging. Oooooh I could not wait to see how this stuff looked.


I popped off the cap.  It looked just like a marker!  Cool! Cool!
Thrilled, I  "colored in" my lips.

And then I had a thought.


The lip stain really did look just like a marker. 

Why did I just blow 7 bucks on some stupid thing that looked and acted like a marker when I have a HUGE jar full of Sharpies on the bookshelf? 

What if I just used a Sharpie?

It would probably stay on longer than some dumb stain, anyway.


I grabbed the Sharpie jar and examined it.  
Whoa - there were like 20 different shades of red and pink in there!  
OMG LIPCOLOR FOREVER WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS BEFORE??


One of the Sharpies was a gorgeous, classic red.
Timeless.
Elegant.  

Off I marched to the bathroom.


Leaning in, close to the mirror, I tentatively swiped my bottom lip with the marker.  
It was working!  It was working!  I was a genius!!!  


I colored in my whole mouth.

And then it started burning.


HOLY FUCKING SHIT DID IT BURN.


As I screamed hysterically and frantically scrubbed at my mouth with a piece of toilet paper, I reflected on the fact that a permanent marker is designed to do one thing, and one thing only:  stay put, permanently.


*Life Lesson!*  A gimmicky lip stain that is shaped like a marker is not at all the same thing as an actual marker.  


Also, if you confuse the two, the resulting chemical burn on your lips neatly replicates the color you were hoping to achieve in the first place.

[via hellogirls]

Homos, I wish I could tell you that I have it all together.  


I wish I could tell you that I am not a child who puts soap that smells like chocolate in her mouth to see if, in fact, it tastes like chocolate.

This is something I wish.


But I don't.  I don't have it all together.
  
I still try to make "casual" small talk with cute girls at work and end up saying things like, "You have beautiful posture - you droop like a woman from a Victorian novel with tuberculosis." (actual quote.)


I still think the top step of the ladder is something a person can stand on.      


I still put my foot in my mouth all the damn time.

[via ohcardigan]

The other day, I went shopping with my new, straight friend Courtney.  We were at Target, and we were passing the "sleep and loungewear" section.  


Courtney:  (slowing)  Hey, those are really cute.  Those shorts.


Me:  (desperate to go finger all the pens in the school supplies aisle)   Sure.  (snort)


Courtney:  What?  They're cute.  I think I'm gonna try them on.


Me:  Why would you buy shorts that short?  You can't even wear them.  


Courtney:  For sleeping.


Me:  Who the fuck sleeps with clothes on?


                    (awkward pause)


Courtney:  I do.  


[via bisousbitches]

I don't remember what I said after that, but I think I must have laughed, because Courtney got defensive. 

She then, with a very confused look on her face, explained to me that Everybody Sleeps With Pajamas On.


No they don't, I insisted.  Pajamas Are A Funny Thing You Wear When You Go Stay With Your Parents.  No Actual Grown-Up Wears Them.

(by Space Queen)

Right?
Right, you guys?


I mean, I'm not a heathen.  I own pajamas.  I own lots and lots of sleepwear.  I own nighties and jammie pants and slips and booty shorts and filmy little things.  
I own large comfy sweatshirts and soft flannel pants.


None of these, however, are for sleeping.  

[via carole-anne]

They're for keeping warm while watching a movie.  For flopping down on the couch.  For Saturday mornings when you're eating gluten-free french toast with your girlfriend.


Pajamas are not for sleeping.

[via supreeeeme]

I've slept naked since college, when I figured out that no one can see what you're doing when you're on the top bunk.


Don't you guys sleep naked?
Don't you?

[via hipcumon]

Courtney's wrong, right?  


Is it a straight-girl thing?
Tell me it's a straight-girl thing.


'Cause it seems to me that most lesbians - at least that I've encountered - are Naked People.  

[via lesfemmes]

They fuck with the lights on; they prance around naked.  
They pee, naked on the toilet, while you wash your face, naked.  
Sometimes they cook naked!  


Even if they don't like to be naked themselves, they're thrilled if you want to be.

[via supreeeeme]

Not once in my life have I been around a lesbian who suggested it might be time to put on pajamas and go to bed.  

Don't gross out here, but I've also never slept with a dude (that was a looooooong time ago, lezzers) who thought pajamas would be appropriate.

Now, if men love it when women are naked, and women love it when women are naked....


Who the fuck is buying all the sleepwear at Target?  

There must be a massive market for it to have such a big section.


It can't all be 14-year-old girls going to slumber parties. 

Women must be buying it.  


But...why?
  
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that feels better than curling up, naked under the covers, with your girl. 

And a close second is curling up naked and alone in your bed.  


Both good.


Naked feels better than clothed.  
No-pants wins. 

Almost always. 


I'm left searching for answers. 

Are lesbians just more into nudity? 


If so, is it because we've "pretty much seen it" already?

[via placebo]

Is it just (this is incredibly possible) me?




Is your house a Nudie House?

Take Your Mama Out All Night

[via thievesinlaw]


 No.   Noooooo.  No.


Just when you thought you were safe, 'cause I live in Chicago now and he lives in Seattle....


Jason Is Overly Interested.

Q:  Ok, so Krista, when I watch lesbian porn, there's usually a scene where the two girls do some scissoring.  But you've told me a million times that sex with the ladies doesn't look anything like porn sex.  
So while I was watching the scissoring happen on the movie, I started wondering...do lesbians actually do that?  Do girls scissor?  
'Cause it must be kinda awkward.  Don't get me wrong, I very much want the answer to be yes, here.


A:  Christ, it's early.  Haven't even had coffee yet.  Calling me at 8 in the freakin' morning.  Who does that?  


Never talk about scissoring before noon, that's what I say.

Hell, it's noon somewhere.

Jason, you have a valid question, here.  You want to know about scissoring.  

Homos, here at Effing Dykes, I get a fair amount of mail. (Write to me! effingdykes@gmail.com and p.s. I like pictures.)  

I try to answer most of it, but sometimes it takes me a real long time.

However!  certain topics just seem to keep popping up.  

Like scissoring.  

This is about the 30th question I've had from someone about scissoring within the last few months.

And guess what?

Every single person who's asked me about scissoring has been male.

Shocker, that.

But you know what?  Let's do it.  Let's talk about scissoring.  
Put this thing to bed.

So, first of all, what is scissoring?  

What does it mean 'to scissor'?

Wikianswers has the answer!

"The term scissor, which is often used as verb (scissoring), is a sex position between lesbians. It is generally shown as two partners interlocking their legs with their heads 180 degrees apart while their vaginas are touching. In practice, the torsos of the women are often closer together, to the point of being close enough to kiss."

Thanks, Wikianswers!

(by joran van der sloot///)

Just to be sure of my definition of scissoring, I asked Cory, the homeless man who comes around the bakery, about it.

Me:  (handing over bribe of hot peanut butter cookie)  Hey, Cory, can I ask you something?

Cory:  Shoot, honeybuns.

Me:  What do you think the term "scissoring" means?"

Cory:  (guffaws)  Scissoring!  You at work!  Get you fired!

Me:  C'mon.

Cory:  Ok.  Scissoring is when, like, two women are fucking - excuse me, making love - and they, like, rub their coochies together.  Like, grind on each other and shit.  All nasty.

Awesome. 


Now we're all on the same page. 
Scissoring is when two women press their genitals together and rub for sexual satisfaction.


Looks like this:

Now, Jason, believe it or not, I don't watch a lot of porn.  
Like, almost never.  
It's not because I'm against porn; I'm heavily, heavily pro-porn.  I have no problem with porn.  Go porn!

I just wish I liked it.  
Porn does almost nothing for me.  It's kind of a tragedy.  

So I haven't seen assloads of porn.  
But I have seen porn where two women scissor one another.  And I went, "Really?"

[via lesfemmes]

Apparently, people think lesbians do this on a regular basis.

I hate to break it to you, Jason, but in all my years of experience, and having had a few *ahem* sexual partners...I've scissored with a woman exactly 3 times.

The first time, it was a joke.  
My girlfriend-at-the-time and I had just watched our first porn with scissoring.  I said, "We have to try this.  Maybe we're missing out on something good!"  and we scissored. 

We got naked, got on the bed, and, giggling the whole time, awkwardly got ourselves in position.  Then we tried to grind.  

I laughed so hard I fell off the bed.  
Nothing happened.

[via hellogirls]

Fast-forward a few years.  
I'm older and more experienced.  I see another porn and go, "Oh, yeah, scissoring!"  
I tried it with a new girlfriend.  Gave it the ol' college try. 

I mean, we really. tried. to get off.

It was ridiculous.  
We gave up and fucked like normal lesbians.

[via b0ne]

The third time I tried scissoring, it was because Tawnya got this phenomenal Victorian sex-positions pop-up book for her birthday.   

There was a lithograph of two women scissoring, and as I stared at the page, I said, "Jesus.  Apparently women have been doing this for hundreds of years - maybe thousands!  This is history!  I'm a shitty lesbian.  I really should try harder."

So I attacked CJ and forced her to scissor me.  

Me:  (panting) Anything?

CJ:  No.  Keep trying.  Press down harder.

Me:  I'm thirsty.


Nothing gratifying has ever happened to me while scissoring.  

 (by Parker Fitzgerald)

It's not something I even think about.
Ever.

And I since I sometimes sleep around a little bit *coughcough*, and no lesbian has ever tried to scissor me (or brought it up, or even joked about it)...I tend to think scissoring is pretty much something that only women in porn do, for male audiences.

Maybe because male audiences miiiiight have a problem understanding sex when both sets of genitals aren't touching at all times.  

Maybe scissoring makes sense to men because, well, what are the lesbians doing?  
They're pushing their crotches together.  'As if ' they were having sex.

[via nataliedee.com]

Don't get me wrong - I know a couple dykes who say they've scissored with successful results.  
But even they say it's not worth the effort involved.

A novelty, at best.

[via lesfemmes]

Ok, Jason?

Homogirls, help Jason out and weigh in, here.

[via mymuffinroared]

Do you scissor?

Am I missing out on something spectacular?