Studs

Actual conversation.

Me: Helllooooooo. Who's the cute stud?

Chinda: That's my friend M.J.

Me: Wow, she's ripped...she has a gold tooth! Omigod I wanna meet her. Omigod I can't!

Chinda: Try and be cool.

Me: Gaaaaack.

Chinda: Do not embarrass me.

Studs are African-American butches. They are really really butch - these people are not playing around. They often, but not always, consider themselves transgender. They can usually pass for men, even when strangers are scrutinizing them carefully.

You can't be a stud if you're white. That would be stupid.

*(White Lesbian Rapper, I'm talking to you.)*

Studs are NEVER bottoms in bed. They are usually stone-cold butches. That means you can't touch their lady-parts.

The stud can be found leaning silently up against a wall in a dark club. She is checking everybody out. Smile at her and one of two things will happen -

-If she thinks you're cute, she'll murmur "How you doin'?" all seductive-like, i.e. Joey on Friends.
-If she doesn't, she'll give you the upwards-head nod and look away.

Studs go out all the time. They're fabulous because they won't let you pay for anything. It actually hurts them physically to see you get out your wallet. We need more of these homos! Seriously, studs are always out. Go to a concert - she's there. Go to a dance club - she's there. Study at the cafe? - she's there. Go to your nephew's bar mitzvah? - she's there. OK, just kidding on that last one.

They wear fitted baseball caps, boxers, big jeans, and big t-shirts - all clothes that white people call "urban wear." (Side note - White people, if you live in a city, wouldn't anything you wear be called "urban wear" as well? Just a thought.)

Studs are label-whores. They are even worse than High-Maisans in this department. Every single article of clothing the stud wears has somebody's name on it. Air Force One. Nike. Sean John. The shoes (always sneakers) are spotless. Also, all studs own diamond stud earrings, and there must be a diamond earring in one ear at all times. Studs wear studs. They never wear makeup. There is at least one tattoo, and it is usually the praying-hands-clasped-together or Jesus-y kind. One stud I know has her own name tattooed on her shoulder -she says it's because she's the only bitch she can trust.

They date femmes. If there is an exception to this rule, I haven't seen it yet.

Studs often cheat. Sometimes they have "mistresses." Let's let them.

Oh, BTW:

If you love studs, the best place on the planet for you is Atlanta. Every other girl in Atlanta is a stud! Just walking through the airport is enough to give you whiplash. What am I supposed to even do???