The Asian Mafia

Asian lesbians have their own category for a reason. Asians stick together. Key word: TOGETHER. Asians, all Asians, travel together, live together, work, eat, and sleep together, hang out together, and go out together. If there is an Asian in the room, she is scanning the room to find another Asian.

So naturally, this rule applies to Asian lesbians. If you are lucky enough to know one Asian lesbian, you will soon know eight. But (assuming you are not Asian) you will not be part of the group. You will never be part of the real group. YOU CANNOT BE PART OF THE ASIAN MAFIA UNLESS YOU ARE ASIAN. Sorry. No matter how much you want to be; no matter how many Asians you screw; no matter how long you spent in Thailand; no matter how good your Japanese girlfriend tells you your manga drawings are. You will never break into the Asian mafia.

Now this is a damn shame. Because Asian lesbians are, 99% of the time, ferociously hot. Let’s face it – Asians are superior to everyone else in almost every conceivable way. They don’t age. They don’t get zits. They’re naturally thin. They produce the most motherfucking adorable babies in the world. They are math geniuses, and they invented sushi. Who are these perfect people-machines?

There are a few different types of Asian dykes, starting with:

High-Masians
High-Masians are High-Maintenance Asians. You know who I’m talking about. A tiny, dainty, delicate flower, almost buried under the weight of all that Gucci and Louis Vuitton. She has impossibly teensy skirts, French-tipped nails, thigh-high socks, high heels so high that they alllllllmost bring her up to your height, thoroughly straightened long hair, and seriously glossy lips. Thinking nothing of wearing fake eyelashes during the day, the High-Masian is a super femme on steroids. Except minus the irony. Kinda looks like a living Bratz doll. She smells like vanilla and Expensive. She is used to people falling all over her.

If she’s adopted, she’s a bitch.

If she was born and raised in an Asian country, she’s a giggler.

High-Maisian lesbians are extremely difficult to sniff out. We mortals don't have access to this level of hot! Piercings are a good sign. But again, best to see her at a gay club dancing with lesbians, or have a seriously dykey conversation before asking her out. And remember to watch your back - she’s got a big brother. Or four. And, um, 32 male cousins “looking out” for her. Note: Asians don’t fight alone.

The Butch
The Asian butch is, in some ways, cooler than the Caucasian butch. She’s a little more street, a little more hip-hop; a better dancer; a more thoughtful going-out partner. Easily crushed, kind of shy, even if she pretends not to be. She’s sometimes a little stocky, in a teddybear way. She wears a diamond stud in one ear. She’s good with a strap-on. She will take care of your ass. She will not ditch you. And she doesn’t kiss and tell.

The BoiThe Asian boi is a rare bird. OMG she has elaborate tattoos. OMG she has a cell phone as tiny as a pinky fingernail. Her hair is awesome. She knows how to dance. She tells Asian jokes. She puts Sriracha sauce on everything. And every goddamn thing she does is cute. She is a steal. But she is so used to getting hit on that she can get real tiresome, real fast.

Think about it - adorable boi + Asian (and therefore superior) = screaming femme girls chasing her like the Beatles.

Important Things about Asian Lesbians:

-They are the women most likely to still live with their parents. This is not out of a dependence problem – this is because their parents expect them to, since they’re not married. However, this does not mean that they’re not financially independent. They have more money than any of us, and they like to spend it on going out.

-They are also the lesbians most likely to still be in the closet. Again, cultural and family expectations.

-You will never, never understand how much their mother means. And why they can’t move out. Or come out.

-Their family will always come first. You second.

-They have to go to every second-cousin-removed’s wedding, without fail. Not going is not an option.

-They often date each other for two reasons:

1) Goddamn, it’s easier. You don’t have to explain the family expectations. You don't have to explain your mother. You don’t have to explain why you’re not out. You both just understand.

2) Asians are really hot. Two is better than one.