No Shit She's Gay - Butches

We’re going to start off easy. I give you The Classic Butch. This specimen is probably the easiest kind of dyke to identify, due to obvious physical characteristics. The Classic Butch has short, man-styled hair – no exceptions. She was, and still is, a tomboy. Growing up, she lived in fear of being forced to wear a pink tutu in the school dance number. She will not wear most feminine articles of clothing – The CB prefers to shop in the men’s section of department stores, always looking for that perfectly-fitting jacket, and never finding that perfectly-fitting pair of pants. She wears men’s cologne and men’s underwear – usually boxers. She has a permanent fear of using public restrooms, as some bitch will invariably sneer at her, “Excuse me, but this is the WOMEN’S bathroom!”

It is likely that she has had the shit kicked out of her on more than one occasion for the way she looks. She has learned, by now, how to fight back. This cultivates the tough-on-the-outside-but-marshmallow-on-the-inside thing that CBs have going for them. Butches are the permanent underdog. Women attracted to them feel protected by their Classic Butch, and also extremely protective.

Often shy until she feels comfortable with you, the CB is intensely loyal to both her partner and her friends, many of whom she’s known for decades. She embarrasses easily, and her pride is also wounded easily. She is intensely hard-working, solid, and proud of herself. She is probably over 40. Often, a CB will work in a blue-collar job – factory work, maintenance, auto stuff, construction. She usually is good with money, unless it has to do with her partner. This is the area where Classic Butches lose all reason – if they love you, they will buy you/give you/steal for you ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. She will fix your car. She will kill all the spiders. She will give you pocket money, buy you Godiva, and force you to upgrade your phone. All you have to do is love her. Sadly, many Classic Butches become bitter, as their hearts are fragile and easily trampled upon. Many straight women have dated CBs directly after deciding they’re “done with” men. They are delighted to find they can be fucked (and well!) by a masculine (butch), yet non-threatening (because she’s female) force. Plus, the butch has the added bonus of smelling just like wonderful men’s cologne, and she remembers your favorite flower. What more could you ask for?

Warning: Classic Butches are either fan-fucking-tastically, jaw-droppingly amazing in bed, or they suck. There is no middle ground…and it can be hard to tell beforehand which one it’s gonna be. It is a gambling situation. Some CBs are all talk and a huge disappointment. Others will blow you away. Heh. Some butches are stone, which means they never let anyone reciprocate sex acts with them. They get sexual pleasure from giving you sexual pleasure. If you’re a lazy motherfucker and that sounds great, a stone butch is for you.

The Classic Butch drinks beer and can be found anywhere beer is cheap. She can appreciate a good wine, but only when coupled in front of a fireplace with a lovely female. CBs can definitely fix a flat. They may hate sports, but they keep up with major sporting events – they never know when they will be in a group of guys or other butches at the bar, and The Competition For Who Is The Butchest will commence. Butches use hair gel and should stop it immediately. They are secretly terrified of centipedes and mice, but know it is up to them to deal with such creatures. Although a Classic Butch would like everyone to think she is the top, or the sexually dominant person in the relationship, it is highly probable that she takes all kinds of bossing in her own home and bed. She is at her happiest when you are screaming your head off and leaving claw marks down her back on a lazy Sunday morning.

DEAD GIVEAWAYS THE WOMAN YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IS A CLASSIC BUTCH LESBIAN:

-She could be mistaken for a man (if you were blind and a douchewit.)
-She makes extreme eye contact with you, speaking directly and using her hands a lot.

-While making conversation, her cheeks or ears flush bright red.

-She guides you into a room like a gentleman, with her hand on the small of your back.
-Do you smell Aqua di Gio? Burberry for Men? Perhaps…Axe?

-No makeup. None. Not even a little. Not even concealer.

-She has plain, short nails.

-She gets very interested and quiet when there is a girly discussion about something, like shoes.

-She shuffles her feet and hunches her back. (This is from years of getting picked on.)

-She says things like, “You ladies go ahead without me.”

-She’s a shockingly bad dancer – at least to club music. She can definitely line-dance. She secretly dreams of the tango.

-She’s wearing all men’s clothing, and some of it doesn’t fit her very well.

-She could talk forever about the length settings on her hair clippers.

-She does all the things men used to do – opens doors, carries heavy stuff, walks you to your car, helps you with your jacket, pulls out chairs, etc.

-She always, always has gum or mints.

-She appears to have no breasts. (She probably just has one or two very tight sports bras on.)

-No jewelry. Especially no earrings, unless there is only one and it is a stud.

-Small children follow her around like she’s Jesus. (Children adore butch lesbians. It’s a proven fact.)

-You met her at the dog park.

-She built something for you. Anything. Shelves, a little bitty birdhouse, anything.

-One word for you: Plaid.

Finally, Classic Butches do not laugh at jokes with the word “pussy” in them. They are much too classy. They do not refer to women as “bitches” and they like terrible movies like The Notebook and Sweet Home Alabama. This is because they believe their true love is out there. Warm, wounded, and funny as shit, the true Classic Butch is a rare, fine breed of lesbian.