BOIs

Let’s talk about bois. Boi is pronounced “boy” and “bois” is just like “boys.” A boi is a newish category of lesbian, named bois because they're extremely boy-ish looking girls. Usually sharp-featured and really, appallingly cute, a lesbian who identifies as a boi will have a certain bashful quality about her. As in, “I can’t help it, the ladies just love me.” And boy, do they ever. Everyone loves a cute boi. I mean everyone – men, women, kids, everyone. There is one exception to this: Middle-aged straight women often take great offense upon sighting a boi. They will then be hostile. This is a mystery.

Bois are extremely stylish, and dress nattily. They are usually skinny and naturally flat-chested (or wrapping their boobs up tightly with Ace bandages.) They come in many styles: bois who dress like skateboarders; preppy bois who wear ties and jeans with good sneakers; bois who wear a lot of smudged black eyeliner. Bois are currently the rock stars of the lesbian community – they’re trendy, and lots of people want one.

Bois are cocky and in your face. They think (or know) they are hot shit. They know they are sought-after and that girls love them, so they can sometimes be rude when someone undesirable hits on them. They think the following words/phrases are hilarious, and use them often: ‘my cock’, ‘pussy’, ‘dick’, ‘blowjob’, ‘eat it’, ‘suck it’, ‘She was hitting on me’, ‘fuck’, ‘fucking cocksucker’, ‘your mom’, ‘package’, and ‘I wasn’t doing anything’.

A boi would not be caught dead without the coolest shoes. These will be from Puma, Nike, Adidas, or Tiger Asics. Bois wear great jeans – usually men’s and expensive. They wear tight button-down shirts, skinny ties, and men’s undershirts and tank tops. Underneath, you’ll find boxer briefs or boy’s tighty-whities, sometimes with funny stuff on them, like Superman cartoons. Bois do not wear: Birkenstocks, clogs, Earth shoes, girl shoes of any kind, Tevas, UGGs, anything from The North Face, REI, Patagonia, Columbia, or anything made of fleece.

Bois know how to dance. If, for some reason, they don’t dance well, they are way too cool to go out on the floor and let someone discover it – they will sit back at their table, drinking beer from the bottle. Let the women come to them. Bois do a lot of leaning up against walls in clubs, looking cool. A boi does not smoke regularly, but will cheerfully bum one from you. No self-respecting boi orders wine when going out. They will however, have a great fondness for vodka, good tequila, and anything clear. Think martini, not Cosmo. Gin if it's a bad day.

Bois are usually good in bed. They think (and tell everyone who’ll listen for half a second) that they’re better than they are. It would not be out of the question for a boi to look deeply into your eyes and say, “I’m gonna rock your world,” without cracking a smile. This would not be considered cheesy.

Bois are intensely loyal friends. If you’ve made a boi friend, you have her for life. Exception: (you sleep with her girlfriend.) They are devoted to their family members, so forget about getting out of Family Christmas if you’re dating one. Bois communicate almost entirely by text. They are always in the loop. They love parties and get-togethers, cookouts and trips. They are the perfect shopping partners and insist on going into the dressing room with you. A boi will NOT sell out her friend or tattle about something she’s seen. She would go to prison for you. She is intensely private and has a problem with other people knowing her business.

Easy Ways to Spot a Boi:

- Who’s the cutest lil’ dyke in the room? There’s your boi.
- You say hi. She tilts her chin up at you in the classic “Whaddup” backwards-head-nod.
- There are three giggling straight girls gathered around her.
- She drinks insane amounts of either Red Bull or coffee.
- She has tattoos and/or piercings in visible places and is happy to tell you the fascinating story of each one.
- The names and number of her sex partners keep changing.
- She is constantly hidden in a corner having private Cell Phone Drama with someone she’s sleeping with.
- She has actually made a “V” with her first two fingers, put it over her mouth, and waggled her tongue in plain sight.
- Her sneakers look new and expensive.
- She thinks she makes a convincing drag king. This is rarely the case.
- She knows the words to every Missy Elliot song, as well as all trashy hip-hop songs.
- She uses more hair products to look “undone” than any straight girl.
- More than 3 roommates at any given time.
- She actually has a girlfriend, but this could be difficult to prove, as the girlfriend is rarely seen, like an endangered gazelle.
- Vast. Collection. Of Belts. Every boi worth her salt has at least ten belts, probably more.
- She constantly wears t-shirts that are funny/remind everyone she’s gay.
- She surrounds herself with other bois. When drunk, she will dirty dance with them in a phenomenon known as “bromance.”
- If you have seen her pantomime humping someone, she is probably a boi.