Monday, October 18, 2010

Swelling the Ranks



Hi oyster-divers!


Madison was fantastic.  There were lesbians everywhere.
[via hellogirls]
And it was basically free!


Remember when I had that job where I was in a different city every day?  Remember that?
Well, one of the perks of it was that I got to keep all my rental car points, hotel points, and frequent flier miles.  


After two years on the road, I officially have more hotel points than God.  


Now, because my lady is a special lady, I treated her ass to an elegant free night at the Holiday Inn Express in Madison for our 5-year anniversary.


You know.  Timeless sophistication.  Class.  Style. 
That's just how I roll.  


*Totallynottobragbut*  I am a Platinum Priority Club member at the Holiday Inn.  

This means that, for two consecutive years running, I've stayed over 50 nights a year at different Holiday Inns around the country.
I used to be strangely proud of my high status.  I'd fling my Platinum Card down on the marble check-in desk with practiced casualness. 


I was world-weary.  
I stayed in hotels every night.  
I wanted my free goodie bag.
[via lesfemmes]
But then, one snowy night last February, I checked into a Holiday Inn in Cincinnati.  My flight had been delayed, so it was very late at night - around 2 in the morning.  
I had just made Platinum.


Impressed with my newly-minted status, I made a show of yawning while drawing out my Holiday Inn Platinum Card.  (It's silver and kinda glittery.)


Teenage Male Clerk Behind the Holiday Inn Desk:  Welcome.  Oh, hey, that's a platinum card.  


Me:  (trying to sound bored while being incredibly excited at this recognition of my high status)  Oh, um, yep.  Travel a lot. You know.  Stay here a lot.


Teenage Male Clerk:  Wow.  (pause)  Your life sucks.


Oh.
[via darlingdays]
You guys.  The pimpled, teenage night-shift clerk wearing a polyester clip-on tie at a Holiday Inn in Cincinnati thought my life sucked.  


And he was so right!  My life did suck!  That platinum card I was so proud of meant I had spent a major portion of my young adult life in a Holiday Inn!
[via lesfemmes]
Fuck.


So anyway! I used some of my ten bazillion hotel points for our stay in Madison.  


CJ and I had a good, trashy weekend.
[via diaphragm]
We sat at a cafe and made fun of some dykes wearing upside-down visors.  

We visited a gay bar called The Shamrock - affectionately known among locals as The Shame Cock.  

We bought $7.99 pink champagne and got extra classy in the hotel hot tub.


Oh yes.


But while walking about the city, hand in hand and feeling smug, we saw something I haven't ever actually seen in real life:  A gay-hater with signs.   


In Madison!  One of the gayest cities in the Midwest!  And no one even seemed to care!  


I couldn't believe it. 
[via girlsbravo] 
A woman, in her mid-50s, was standing on the corner. 

She was wearing a pale pink sweatsuit and scuffed white sneakers.  
She had a hand-lettered sign that said "Gays and Lesbians Want Your Children- They Recruit."  
The other side of the sign had that tired old Bible verse from Leviticus 18:22: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."


We walked by her, holding hands.  

I guess we could have confronted her, but we were having a lovely day, and can you really ever talk someone out of their worldview in 3 minutes on the street?


All I could think was:  Fuck yeah we recruit.
[via rememberwhenwewerekids]
But, at least for me, it has more of a "missionary" vibe to it.


Dump your boyfriend!  Come be a lesbian!  It's super over here!  Come bring your boobs this way!  We'd love to have you!
[via lezbhonest]
But I only do that kind of direct marketing when I see a really hot straight girl with her boyfriend and it spontaneously bursts out of me.


In reality, we gays don't need to recruit.


People are lining up to be gay. 
[via hellogirls]
It helps that it's fucking trendy and that Ellen DeGeneres is the face of Oil of Olay.  


It helps that every celebrity on god's green earth is suddenly "admitting" to being bisexual.


C'mon!  People are either queer or they ain't. 

You can't recruit! 


Even if I was actively trying to convince every woman I met for the rest of my life to participate in "the homosexual lifestyle", they'd all eventually have to make the plunge on their own.


You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.


Or, as CJ put it so tastefully:  "You can grind your cootchie in a girl's face all you want, but she's the one who has to stick her tongue out."
Nice.


I dunno.  The idea that gays recruit seems funny to me, but conservative Christians take it seriously.  


That's the reason they're against gays in school, gays in the military, gays anywhere...they somehow think that our gay glitter will rub off on them.  
Or their children.  


They should be so lucky.  


*Attention conservative Christians:  We don't want you.  Even if we were recruiting people, and that actually worked, we don't take people who wear pleated khakis.


Seriously!  I feel like conservative Christians spend more time thinking about gay sex than I do.

And that's a lot of time.


We homos don't need to recruit.  

If we had a recruitment office, we'd have our feet up on the desk while we ordered pizza and lazily sifted through the 20-ft-tall stack of applicants.


I know it's fun to jokingly try to get your straight friends to switch teams when you go out for drinks, but...


Do you think it's possible to recruit?
(by `Lðuie Banks)
What do y'allfags think about this?

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