Dyke Style Update!

OMG quick look I posted poetry!

Ahem.

So you thought you knew best 

all the ways to tell

if a woman was gay 

by the way she was dressed.

You laughed - "This is easy!"

you said with a grin

"A fish is a fish -

look for scales; look for fins!"

There were dykes all around

and you just went to Pride -

finding lezzies was simple

not a thorn in your side.

There were messenger bags!

There were tats and hairdids!

It was easy to tell

the gays from the straight kids.

But now there's a problem:

your gaydar doth err

and you're hitting on women

who like dick - they ain't querr!  (work with me.)

There are all sorts of chicks

copping dyke-style clothes

and they look, walk, and act 

like lesbian pose...rs.

Well, we can't let them win.

We still have to get laid!

We must update our gaydar;

our skills mustn't fade.

So...

Summer school is in session

Get your books; grab a pen.

Hot girls can be gay...

now it's time to learn when.

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!

Everybody put your books under your desk.   

Each question is worth 50% of your grade. 

You have 15 minutes. 

Begin.

                                        [via lesfemmes]

1)  Isobel is 32 years old and has really short hair.  She works in a pharmacy lab, drives a Prius, lives in the city, and is a vegetarian.  Everybody in the lab has a crush on her.  Isobel is very mysterious.  Right this second, she's running late - it's  someone's birthday party tonight.
  

As Isobel races out the door, she's wearing: skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, a tweed fedora, and brown boots that come up to her calves.  

Is Isobel gay or straight?

Why?

---------------------------------

                                 (by ! Siu)

2)  Shelby is tiny.  She's 29, has shortish red hair, a Monroe piercing, and works in art therapy.  She drives a Volkswagen bug, is obsessed with the new Thai place around the corner from her house, and has about 80 male friends surrounding her at all times.  Today she's going to a summer art fair in the park.

Right now, Shelby is wearing: a white cotton sundress, bare legs, a different ring on every finger, a straw fedora with a black band, and brown leather sandals.

Is Shelby gay or straight?

Why?

------------------------------

Time's up!

Alright, put your pencils down and turn your paper over.  

Everyone hand their paper to the person to your right - we're going to go over these together.

Answers!

1)  Isobel.

Ha!  Don't play with me.  Isobel is a big ol' homo.  Apart from all the stereotypical clues (vegetarian, Prius), Isobel is wearing a fedora to a party.  

Do not be distracted.  Look at nothing but the fedora.

Fags, I know fedoras are the ish this summer, but only gay girls are into hats enough to throw one on without a second thought to complete a party look.   

A statement hat like a fedora requires some serious time spent trying on hats - a commitment to long-term hat-wearing.   

Queer women are obsessed with hats, and so have already put in the time posing in front of mirrors; seeing how hats look with all their different outfits.  

Remember this:  Lesbians fucking love fedoras.  

A lesbian cannot look at a fedora in any setting without trying it on. 

                                                 (via strawberrylaces)

No lesbian can walk away from a fedora.  

It's nobody's fault.

Something in the chemical makeup.

Fedoras say "40's gangster." 

Fedoras say "I am El Mysterioso.  Come to me."  

They are real, real gay.

Yes, straight girls.  I hear you.  You saw Alicia Keys wear a fedora all those years ago and you've rocked one ever since.  

Well, you look like a homosexual.  

No lie.

2)  Shelby.  

Shelby is super fucking straight.  

Tricks, I am aware that Shelby is, in fact, wearing a fedora.  I know. 

But Shelby is wearing that fedora because Urban Outfitters told her to. 

She's trendy, not a twat-licker.

There's only one kind of fedora that straight girls wear, and it's this one:

This particular fedora has been all over magazines, and now it's trickled down to Target.  

Everybody and your mom has one. 

A hip, "menswear-influenced" way to keep the sun off your face.  


(*Tip!*Make sure to add a feminine detail to soften up your look, ladies!  Love, Cosmo.)

Straight girls don't wear their straw fedoras at night.  That would be stupid.  The straw fedora is a day hat.    

Now don't get me wrong.  Straight girls look cute in this hat.  

But they sure as fuck don't look gay.

How did you do on the quiz?

Was it super hard?  I tried to make it super hard.

We gay girls love hats - it follows that we love and wear the fedora. But we mustn't be fooled!  Constant vigilance!

Straight girls have also started showing their love for the fedora. 

Fortunately for us, they only wear one kind.  

Gay is in the details, friends.