Toddlers & Tiaras

Hi there, homosexuals! 
Actual letter!

"Dear Effing Dykes,

Did you know your blog is exactly one year old today?  I've been following it since it was only a week old.  You should probably name me its godmother or something.

Love,
Kari M."

Whoa!  Effing Dykes is ONE WHOLE YEAR OLD?

Oh, I can't believe how time flies.  *tear*
If Effing Dykes was a baby, it would be all drooling and waving its fat arms around and stuff.  Thanks, Kari M.!

She's right!  This mess got started on this date, exactly one year ago.  I remember it well....

This time last year, I had gone out to dinner the night before. 
My straight, married friend, "Emily" was asking me insanely boring questions, again, about being a lesbian. (P.S. Emily, you're so interested because you're a big secret dyke.  Everybody already knows. You're welcome, sweetiepie.) 

She didn't let up with the questions.
I was sneaking fries off her plate and trying to picture Emily kissing her husband.
Wasn't working. 

She kept talking. 
Question after question. 
How do you know if a girl is a lesbian?  How do you ask a girl out?  What's it like to kiss a woman?  How do you know what to do in bed?  Can you still be a lesbian if you don't wanna, y'know, go down there?

 And then I couldn't take it anymore.  I put my hand up, like a crossing guard, and said, "Emily, you know what?  I'm going to write a fucking book about lesbians.  Just for you."

I was kidding.  But by the next morning, I wasn't kidding.  I was going to help people and do good!  I would write a book about girlie-gaydar!  It would be for all people not naturally blessed with my Spectacular Gaydar Skillz. 

I would write a book to spare countless lesbians the pain of explaining dyke sex.

I would write a book to give homogirls clues on how to spot their own kind.  So they could get laid.

I would write a book to school straight people in Gay Girls 1001.  'Cause we're tired of being asked the same questions at parties.

I would write a book to save the whole world!!! 

Or, um, a blog.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EFFING DYKES!

It's been fucking fun.

And fun fucking.

Heh.