Grass-Fed, Locally Raised Guilt

Happy New Year, queers!

It's a marvelous year already. I'm back to work, and even though I complain about it, it's kind of nice to have a routine. Especially when my job is to be "fragressive" (that's 'friendly' and 'aggressive') and order people around all day.
Also! The 3M privacy filter is really coming in handy.
My God.

You all should run out and buy one right now. I actually watched ten women in China compete in a Miss Flexibility contest on YouTube in a coffeeshop full of toddlers on Sunday, and I'm not even kidding not even a little bit.
But, um....


Psssssst.

I have a dirtyass secret. The New Year cannot progress until I tell you. It's really that bad. Unburdening-time!

BACKSTORY:

A girl I know, Jadie, at a party right around New Year's, asked if I had any resolutions this year.

Without a thought in my head, I gaily trilled, "Wear more fucking fur!" and laughed.

At the time, I was one week into Pet Bunny Ownership and was wearing a silver fox fur stole the size of a large dog.Looking back, it may have seemed...slightly evil.

I had forgotten that Jadie is a militant vegan.
She excused herself and spent the rest of the evening tossing me dirty looks. As if I was K.D. Lang wearing baby-seal pants and throwing chicken bones on the floor!
Hmph.

MY SECRET:

I wear fur. I own fur. I fucking adore fur.
And I'm gay.
And I'm not a drag queen and I have a pet.
And I'm constantly trying to be a vegetarian.
And I donate to PETA.
Contradictions.

People! Before you throw red paint on me, listen to my weak rationalizations!

I only buy vintage fur.
I figure, buying new fur is bad; it creates a demand for more fur in the marketplace, and then new animals get killed.
Buuuut...if the animal was killed in 1923, what's the harm?

It's already been made into a fur.

It seems more wasteful and anti-green movement (ohhhyes I'm going there) to throw away a perfectly good, oh-so-cozy fur than to buy it at a Goodwill for $4 and wear it for years.

You're such a dyke. I already know what you're going to say. You're going to say that when girls see other girls wearing fur, they want fur, and then the demand goes up for fur anyway. Well, shut up. The truth is, I would have a fur bedspread if I could just find one in a thrift store. ThereIsaidit. And then I would roll on it naked and sleep 'till noon and eat bonbons and refuse to go to work ever again.
Like this baby.
Lucky little bitch.I ask you. What is it with lesbians? Why can't I have friends and wear tatty old furs? And really...why are so many of us vegetarians?

What is it with us?

Go into any vegetarian restaurant in any town, and that's where the dykes in organic cotton t-shirts will be hanging out.

Is it because we just, um, uniformly oppose meat?
Have a hatred for sausages?
Don't wanna play "Hide the Salami"? Heh.
Vegetarianism is an issue I struggle with. Every three months or so, I get pamphlets in the mail from PETA and decide I'm going to quit meat, whole-hog. Cold turkey.

1) I shove my fur coats to the back of the closet and refuse to pet them lovingly.
2) I start sauteing kale and making nutloaf.
3) I drink nutritional shakes that are green and thick and gross.
4) I start acting superior.
5) I begin (final stage) believing that Tofurkey actually tastes like something similar to meat.
Sooooo close to Official Vegetarian/Anti-Fur Lesbian status!

And then someone calls me to go out for BBQ.
And I fall in love all over again.
Omigod, meat.
Steak. Hamburgers slathered with ketchup and mustard. Bacon. Poor-quality breakfast sausages at the Hampton Inn buffet.

I just love meat so much.

But I wish I was a cool vegetarian dyke.
The kind that never puts any kind of meat in her mouth at all.

Can you be a vegetarian in a fur coat? Or will the two opposing forces cancel each other out and cause an implosion?