Block Goes the Weiner

genderconfusion

Holla, faggettes!


I never even asked you how your Thanksgiving was.


How was your break?

Mine was epic.  
I didn't get out of my pajamas for four days.

On Sunday morning, I was curled up, re-reading the last Harry Potter book (only when you have memorized entire pages can you consider yourself truly ready to annoy the shit out of friends who haven't read the books and just go to the movies) in preparation for seeing it this Friday night.

The wind was gusting outside, but my bed was toasty and snug.
  
The heat kept clicking on with that wonderful dry "heater-in-an-old-house" smell.  

CJ was making hot chocolate.  


I wiggled my bare toes, happily, under the blankets.  

(by Helen Korpak)

When I got to the part about Harry, Hermione, and Ron wandering in the howling wilderness for weeks at a time and being so cold and so hungry they almost died, I knew it was juuuuust about time.

I abandoned my book, flung off the covers, and began fixing myself large amounts of buttered toast with honey, pecorino cheese, and ham.  


Then I grabbed Harry Potter and continued to read about their arduous journey at the kitchen table.  

[via falsecontender]

Those poor kids.

They were miserable.

I was warm in my kitchen and had ham.

I like very much to eat while I read books about being hungry.

I cut myself a slice of cake and settle into the story. 

Get a glass of almond milk and go, "Man, you really are having a rough time! Too bad I'm not there with you. I have cookies" sort of thing.

(by heddaselder)

I especially like to eat the exact food that the hungry character can't stop thinking about.

When it's a wartime book, and the soldier is wishing for his mother, I usually bake an apple pie.

When it's a pioneer book, I make homemade bread and eat the hell out of some raspberry preserves. 

If the sailors only have hard tack and salted, maggoty pork left, I'm standing over my George Foreman wondering if fresh grilled steak tastes anything like fresh grilled human flesh.

You know. 


People are wasting away in my story, I'm shaking up new butter in a mason jar and adding kosher salt.

[via wallofbooks]

In one of my childhood favorites -Shabanu, Daughter of the Wind- Shabanu is dying of thirst in the desert. She wishes for a cold, clear stream of water, a drink that would cut a silver path down the dust of her throat.

Ahhhhh let me just refill the Brita.

I was trying to tell Sarah about this one time and she was giving me the "you're a sick fuck" face.

myseaofanonymity

Whatevs.  It's good to have hobbies.


Let me tell you about Sarah for a minute.  
You know how Kelly's The Straightest Girl in the World? 


Well, Sarah is The Gayest Straight Girl Ever.
Srsly.

*Backstory!*
Sarah's one of my oldest friends.  
I've known her since second grade, when she wore a turquoise-and-pink puffy parka and hid Jolly Ranchers in all the pockets.  


She had a red-haired porcelain doll she wouldn't let me touch on a doll-stand in her room (also named Sarah, isn't that fucked up), and now she is a high-powered coffee executive in Chicago.  

She's always either deciding to be a vegan or juuuuust coming out of it and starting to eat meat again.
  
She was the first person at Bay Port High to get a facial piercing.  

Her hair was always pink or purple or green or blue or shaved.  


People wrote "YOUR A DIKE" on her locker and she listened to a lot of Tori Amos and drove around with me from thrift store to thrift store, smoking.

Sarah looked like a lesbian.  A big one.
Still does, for that matter.
Sets off my gaydar anew, every time I see her.

She wears tailored mens' suits.

She has a crew cut.  

And Earth shoes.

And...a Subaru.

It's really difficult for me to imagine Sarah with a guy, but when it comes down to it, I have to face facts: 

Sarah's straight.  My straight friend who looks gayer than half the lesbians I know. 
She's not my gay buddy. 

But she might as well be.

The other night, we went to Big Star to have what she kept calling "tacos and bourbon." 
As in, "We totally have to go for tacos and bourbon."


Do those things not go together or is it just me?

(via scatterhearted)

Anyway! After we secured a table and Sarah had ordered for me (really - not gay at all), and I had discovered that tacos and bourbon should never, ever, under any circumstances go together, Sarah nudged me.  
And pointed.


We were sitting next to a noisy, big table of lesbians.  
I had been so absorbed in my pork-belly-and-pineapple taco that I hadn't even noticed.  


And something...interesting was going on.

leslienice

There were five dykes at the table: an obvious couple and then three other women.  


A very cute femme and two boyish-types, all in their late 20's to early 30's.


And there seemed to be a bit of confusion about who was hitting on the femme.  

via ditc

Because both the bois were trying to get her attention, and it was kind of hilarious.


Every time one of the bois started to have an actual conversation with the femme-y type girl, the other boi would butt in.

(via liquorinthefront)

Every single time.

"Look," Sarah whispered.  "She's cockblocking her." 


We stared at the lesbians, transfixed by the awkwardness.

(by thom s.)

Me: Dude, dude, watch this, they're talking, they're talking, she's gonna do it again, watch.
            (other boi breaks in)


Sarah:  Bam!  Total cockblock! What do you call guys call that?  If it's women?

Me:  Oh.  Like, what do dykes call it?  


Sarah:  Yeah.


Me:  Um.  Huh. We don't really have a name for that.  I guess "cockblocking" doesn't work.


Sarah:  What about "vadge-dodge"?

leslienice

I see girls cockblocking one another at the bars fairly often.  


But goddammit, words have power and Sarah's right:  


We need a better word for "cockblocking", i.e. moving in on one lesbian's play for a woman. 


We need a word of our own.  

via hipcumon

And so, for the first time here on Effing Dykes, I'm creating a !!!!!COMMENTS CHALLENGE: !!!!
for y'allfags.


Who can think up the best dyke synonym for "cockblock"?


Something better than a "vadge-dodge?"


***THERE WILL BE A PRIZE!!!***


And not a sucky one, either.  It's a good prize.  
Plus then everyone will know how witty you are.

Do it for the good of homokind.  
Let's make a word.


Cleverest lesbian version of "cockblock" wins!