I'll Be Homo For Christmas

MWAH-HA HA! PRESENTS! PRESENTS!!!!

Hehehe. I mean, happy holidays, everyone.

Ooooh I just fucking looooove Christmas.

I really do. I listen to carols. I bake cookies. I buy Warm Vanilla Sugar-smelling bubble bath and put on gingerbread-flavored lip gloss. I weep over shitty movies like Polar Express and stare out my window thinking, "Why can't I have the Christmas Spirit in my heart all year?"
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Time for giving. Time for sharing. Time for family and friends to gather 'round and...GIVE ME PRESENTS!!! WAGUH!!PRESENTSpresentspresentspresentspresentspresents!

I know 'tis better to give than receive, but don't be a superior asshole.

Today on Effing Dykes, we're talking about presents!

Prezzies!!!

What's on your list?

Here's mine. It only has 6 things. I have been very, very good this year, so I am confident Santa will see the logic in granting me everything I asked for.

Let's compare, shall we?

Krista's Wish List 2009-2010

1) A 3M privacy filter for my laptop screen.

You know, one of those plastic thingies you can put over your screen so passerby see nothing but a black screen.

This is necessary for my job survival. I can't tell you how many nosy bitches have looked over my shoulder in the past year and gone, "Ooh, what are you working on so hard out here?" and gotten SMACKED IN THE FACE with something like this:
It's not my fault. I have to find good pictures for y'all, and sometimes, I hafta visit the underbelly of the internet to get 'em. I have a hard life.

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2) A puppy.

A Great Dane puppy.

A Great Dane boy-puppy with a black coat and a white tuxedo stripe down his tummy, and white paaaaaws.

He could also be tan-colored.

I shall name him Jacob.

It's weird. I've asked for Jacob for four years running, and every year, there seems to be AN UTTER LACK OF LARGE GIFT-WRAPPED BOXES WITH AIRHOLES under the tree. I don't understand it.

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3) A 20-lb sack of gluten-free baking flour from Cooqi in Minneapolis. Homemade cake for everyone! (Plus I like getting sacks of things and pretending I'm a pioneer woman "provisioning" my wagon with "vittles".)

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4) The complete set of Golden Girls episodes on DVD. When you don't grow up with a grandmother around, you can do pretty well with TV grandmas. (Especially when they provide glamorous sex-positive role-models. Thanks for improving my life, Blanche, you slut, you.)

I have a recurring dream in which my living room turns into Dorothy's living room and I'm happy as shit. Gorgeous pastel chenille throw blankets everywhere. Soft coral-colored cushions on top of wicker chairs. I bet the whole house smells like Coty Loose Face Powder and Jergen's Lotion.

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5) This:

A Delft blue porcelain dildo.

So fancy. So elegant. Just tea, scones, and you, bent over a chair, thank you dear.

A Little Dutch Girl dildo?? Think how many fucking jokes you could make about plugging leaky holes!

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6) The biggest set of fine-tipped markers that Sharpie makes.

Goddammit Santa. I mean it. This is the year. I even want the flesh tones, so don't think I won't notice.

There. That's my definitive 2009-2010 Wish List.

For sure.

Definitely not going to write another. That's it.

Final version.

Seriously.

What's on your list, homos?