Some people are real reporters. While I'm sitting on my ass, wearing "business causal" outfits and pretending to work, some people are out on the streets, getting the dirt, sniffing out facts.
Chinda is one of these true journalists.
Yesterday, Chinda texted me an urgent message:
"Have you ever heard of a Feeldoe? It's some kind of lesbian sex toy. Deena(Chinda'sbestfriendwhohappenstobeinprisonrightnow) says all the girls in lockup are talking about it."
WELL!
First of all: UmNo. I've never heard of a Feeldoe.
And secondly: I'm so jealous of Chinda's friend in Lady Prison. Right? Lucky bitch. All of my daydreams eventually involve getting locked up in the workhouse with hundreds of women who use their aggression to do pushups all day.
A Feeldoe? EMERGENCY GOOGLE!!!!
A:"Ma'am, there really isn't a polite way to ask this: Have you ever had a tampon just fall out? Women are naturally retentive. Hold the saddle with your thighs for more support while your muscle groups get used to it, and enjoy some missionary style practice before trying the more athletic positions."
Here's what I came up with. Look at this mofo!
You know what you do with this shit? One girl sticks the bulby-thing in, and the other girl rides the long end! Go here for the gory details - http://www.feeldoe.com/
This could be the end of the strap-on! Simple in theory, revolutionary in design.
Don't panic, homos. Read on!
Direct from the Feeldoe website:
Q:"Will it really stay on without straps?"
A:"Ma'am, there really isn't a polite way to ask this: Have you ever had a tampon just fall out? Women are naturally retentive. Hold the saddle with your thighs for more support while your muscle groups get used to it, and enjoy some missionary style practice before trying the more athletic positions."
Hmmm. I don't know about you all, but my "naturally retentive" vadge walls may not take kindly to getting yanked the fuck out while some bitch is having her fun.
I still had questions. I needed answers. And just as my head actually started exploding, Chinda called to tell me she's done a little research of her own!
She talked with a stud in Washington, D.C. We'll call her Dee. Dee actually owns the Feeldoe. Trendsetter!
Below are accurate snippets of their magnificent conversation.
Dee says:
"You have to have major pussy control. It's not like it stays in with no work on your end - you're more like clenching your legs together while the other girl rides it. It ain't easy, and it's more of a thigh rub for you."
The website says that practice makes perfect, but Dee snorted in derision.
She continued:
"The Feeldoe gives you more coochie grinding than anything else. It was a good thought, but too pricey. I've played with it a bit, but the most action the Feeldoe has seen is my closet."
Thanks, Dee. Thanks, Chinda. It's good that someone out there is watching out for my interests. I had my finger poised over the "Order Now" button on the Feeldoe website, but now I'm gonna wait 'till I sleep with someone who has one and then softly tuck it into my bag when she goes pee.
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