You know you're a trashy hooker when you're in a cab, hooch-dress on, coffee in hand, at 10:30 on a Saturday morning, on your way to meet a new Craigslist "friend."

I'm just sayin'.

Anyway! the point is, while in a very compromising position, I learned some important information on how to spot Undercover Lesbians when you're in the deep South. My new friend was from Texas, and I had gaydar questions for her. I did a little stark-naked (okaywejustrolledmydressup) reporting. Working while screwing! I'm a workaholic. I should get a tax write-off for this shit.

Here's what I learned:

Apparently, it's quite difficult to determine who's a muffdiver in Texas and who isn't. And you can get your ass kicked for asking. So Texas lesbians have a saying that they use to police themselves when they're about to ask a cute farmgirl out:

"Is she a lesbian, or is she an equestrian?"

Hee. Now, this question is amazing, because it sums up the exact problem with girlie gaydar in the South - lots of girls look gay because they work on farms with horses all day, but very few of them are.

Doesn't she look corn-fed and wholesome? Doesn't she look like she wants to let her hair out of that bun and make sweet love to you? Look at her stroking that horse's flank. That could be your ass.
Dykes are genetically hard-wired to love women who are good at shit like camping. Therefore they cannot resist an outdoorsy lil' Horse Girl. They have to ask her out - can't help it.

But they must try not to, or else they'll be clubbed to death by that girl's 14 born-again Baptist brothers.

However, I do see how you might get confused about what's what. In this dressage picture, we have all the trappings of fun-times lezzie role-playing: the riding crop, the menswear-styled jacket, the evil sneer, the knee-high leather boots. But do not be fooled - this girl is an equestrian.
Not a lesbian.

Damn.

It is hard to tell the difference! I didn't even know the lesbian-or-equestrian thing was an issue until I got home and did some Emergency Googling. My friend was right - farmgirls look like freckled, fresh-faced dykes.
Why can't we just go back to the 80's, when an earring in the right ear was the only signal we needed?