Dealbreakers

Happy day-after-Valentine's Day! I hope yours didn't suck. I myself had a brilliant Valentine's Day, filled with laughter and happiness and magic and homemade pot roast and brand-new white underpants all taunting me on my cute little piece's ass.

Now, for all you lonely motherfuckers out there, I want to discuss something. That something is Dealbreakers.

A dealbreaker is something that you would break up with a new girlfriend over. A dealbreaker is the one thing, or several things, that you cannot tolerate under any circumstances. If your date does it/has it, you leave immediately - no more texts, nothing.

My dealbreaker, for instance, is Large Nipples.

I'm not kidding. I could be in the middle of undressing Angelina Jolie, and if she had large nipples, I would leave bitch shivering in the cold. I once had a episode with a girl with long, silky hair and prominent hipbones (my favorite.) She was perfect. She was gorgeous. She was Catholic and all guilty. It was awesome.

Then she took off her bra....and SHE HAD NIPPLES THE SIZE OF YARMULKES. Dinner-plate-size. I didn't even know what to do. They were just staring at me, like, "What now, bitch?" I panicked. The end of this story is not pretty. I got the hell out of there and spent the rest of college avoiding her in creative-writing classes.

Large nipples scare the shit out of me. I could not carry on. You see? Dealbreaker.

I polled some dykes at the coffee shop this morning for their dealbreakers. Here's just the tip of the iceberg of what I got, in no particular order:

1) Obvious tooth decay

2) A dog that sleeps on the bed

3) Cheap bitches

4) Women who don't shave/groom/clip their pubic hair, ever - thus making it impossible to locate their genitals

5) A piercing on the top of your nose-bridge, right between the eyes

6) Extremely obese people

7) Someone who is not a vegan (WTF?)

8) Back-of-the-neck piercing

9) Smokers

10) Women who use any of the following words: 'Presh', 'sitch', 'LOL', 'Dave Matthew's Band', and 'touch base'.

Some of these I can understand. But some of these - who are you dating, homeless people? Who DOESN'T know, by now, that you have to shave that shit? Obvious tooth decay? Wouldn't that be a disqualifier by default??

I ask you. No wonder girls have trouble getting together. We're meeting other lesbians, hoping to get laid, and.. they have neck-piercings. Goddamn. We ain't asking for much. It's a rough world out there for lady-lovas.

DYKE STYLE UPDATE!!

Math problem!
Quiz:

Tara likes coffee. She gets her coffee everyday from Real Dykes Drink Diesel, a local coffee shop. Tara has been stalking the barista, Kelli, for months. She is afraid to ask Kelli out, for fear that Kelli is not gay and would ban Tara from the coffee shop. Tara needs to know if Kelli is gay before she makes her move.
Kelli has: long hair, short nails, glasses, no tattoos, a lip ring, wears pink, and carries a purse.
If we take into consideration the fact that lots of straight girls work in gay coffee houses,
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF KELLI BEING A LEZ?

Solution: Trick question!!! Kelli has a lip ring. That automatically makes her a dyke.
A lip ring is like the number "0" in multiplication. It cancels everything else out.

Only homos get lip rings.

Studs

Actual conversation.

Me: Helllooooooo. Who's the cute stud?

Chinda: That's my friend M.J.

Me: Wow, she's ripped...she has a gold tooth! Omigod I wanna meet her. Omigod I can't!

Chinda: Try and be cool.

Me: Gaaaaack.

Chinda: Do not embarrass me.

Studs are African-American butches. They are really really butch - these people are not playing around. They often, but not always, consider themselves transgender. They can usually pass for men, even when strangers are scrutinizing them carefully.

You can't be a stud if you're white. That would be stupid.

*(White Lesbian Rapper, I'm talking to you.)*

Studs are NEVER bottoms in bed. They are usually stone-cold butches. That means you can't touch their lady-parts.

The stud can be found leaning silently up against a wall in a dark club. She is checking everybody out. Smile at her and one of two things will happen -

-If she thinks you're cute, she'll murmur "How you doin'?" all seductive-like, i.e. Joey on Friends.
-If she doesn't, she'll give you the upwards-head nod and look away.

Studs go out all the time. They're fabulous because they won't let you pay for anything. It actually hurts them physically to see you get out your wallet. We need more of these homos! Seriously, studs are always out. Go to a concert - she's there. Go to a dance club - she's there. Study at the cafe? - she's there. Go to your nephew's bar mitzvah? - she's there. OK, just kidding on that last one.

They wear fitted baseball caps, boxers, big jeans, and big t-shirts - all clothes that white people call "urban wear." (Side note - White people, if you live in a city, wouldn't anything you wear be called "urban wear" as well? Just a thought.)

Studs are label-whores. They are even worse than High-Maisans in this department. Every single article of clothing the stud wears has somebody's name on it. Air Force One. Nike. Sean John. The shoes (always sneakers) are spotless. Also, all studs own diamond stud earrings, and there must be a diamond earring in one ear at all times. Studs wear studs. They never wear makeup. There is at least one tattoo, and it is usually the praying-hands-clasped-together or Jesus-y kind. One stud I know has her own name tattooed on her shoulder -she says it's because she's the only bitch she can trust.

They date femmes. If there is an exception to this rule, I haven't seen it yet.

Studs often cheat. Sometimes they have "mistresses." Let's let them.

Oh, BTW:

If you love studs, the best place on the planet for you is Atlanta. Every other girl in Atlanta is a stud! Just walking through the airport is enough to give you whiplash. What am I supposed to even do???

Lesbian Until Graduation (LUGS)

Today I want to talk about a phenomenon known as "Lesbian Until Graduation (LUG)," a kind of "dyke" that has been creeping up into everybody's business since the 70s. Perhaps you know one? I sure as hell do.

LUGs are an interesting breed. They technically fall under the ‘bisexual’ category, but being a Lesbian Until Graduation is so common that it gets its own separate listing.

What is this? The label says it all. A LUG is a girl who says she’s a lez for most of the four years of college and then magically turns straight and gets married, almost overnight.

Q: How does this happen?

A: Well, college students are impressionable sheep, and it’s fucking trendy to be gay. Haven’t you noticed? Ellen. The L-Word. Girls Gone Wild. America’s Top Model. Will and Grace. Queer As Folk. Lindsay and Sam. Sex and the City.

Girls, by college age, have dated a few douchebags. They’re tired of competing to see who the Hottest Girl in the Room is. They’ve noticed that, while they kill themselves waxing, tanning, working out, plucking, tweezing, exfoliating, shaving, highlighting, squeezing, moisturizing, and dieting, the boys consider cargo pants “dressed up.” College girls want to break out – try something different. After all, that’s why they came to college.

They maybe take a few drama classes. Maybe some sculpture. Nothing big. They might go on Study Abroad.

And then they notice them. Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere. Arty dykes with cool hair and nose rings. Hot girls who are pulling off ‘hot’ while wearing flat shoes. Girls with discernible arm muscles. Girls who are getting laid without even shaving their armpits. Girls with opinions, girls who argue, girls who follow politics, girls who talk back, girls who don’t want/need/care about male attention.

And these girls are the coolest. They are girls like the collegiate freshman has always wanted to hang out with and never met. They're so...different!

But how to break into that inner circle? How to get invited to lesbian parties? How to feel socially oppressed when you're white and privileged? How do you get to warm your hands around a mug of coffee with a smartass dyke for a best friend?

You have to sleep with them.

So that’s what the LUG does.

Four years later, she’s ready to return to the heterosexual world; renewed, like a beautiful butterfly that wants to feel the special feeling that only comes from a cock in your mouth.

Dyke Style Alert!

Do you own this bag?

Are you a girl?

Then you're a lesbian.


Seriously, wearing a bag like this ups the chances of a girl being gay by 98%. It's a proven fact.

Cause most dykes hate purses.
But they still have stuff.
And these bags look tough and bike-messengery - nothing like a purse.

Wanna tell if a girl is queer? Just look for the messenger bag.

YOUR CHARACTER...

YOUR PARTY...