Dyke Style Update!

OMG quick look I posted poetry!

Ahem.

So you thought you knew best 

all the ways to tell

if a woman was gay 

by the way she was dressed.

You laughed - "This is easy!"

you said with a grin

"A fish is a fish -

look for scales; look for fins!"

There were dykes all around

and you just went to Pride -

finding lezzies was simple

not a thorn in your side.

There were messenger bags!

There were tats and hairdids!

It was easy to tell

the gays from the straight kids.

But now there's a problem:

your gaydar doth err

and you're hitting on women

who like dick - they ain't querr!  (work with me.)

There are all sorts of chicks

copping dyke-style clothes

and they look, walk, and act 

like lesbian pose...rs.

Well, we can't let them win.

We still have to get laid!

We must update our gaydar;

our skills mustn't fade.

So...

Summer school is in session

Get your books; grab a pen.

Hot girls can be gay...

now it's time to learn when.

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!

Everybody put your books under your desk.   

Each question is worth 50% of your grade. 

You have 15 minutes. 

Begin.

                                        [via lesfemmes]

1)  Isobel is 32 years old and has really short hair.  She works in a pharmacy lab, drives a Prius, lives in the city, and is a vegetarian.  Everybody in the lab has a crush on her.  Isobel is very mysterious.  Right this second, she's running late - it's  someone's birthday party tonight.
  

As Isobel races out the door, she's wearing: skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, a tweed fedora, and brown boots that come up to her calves.  

Is Isobel gay or straight?

Why?

---------------------------------

                                 (by ! Siu)

2)  Shelby is tiny.  She's 29, has shortish red hair, a Monroe piercing, and works in art therapy.  She drives a Volkswagen bug, is obsessed with the new Thai place around the corner from her house, and has about 80 male friends surrounding her at all times.  Today she's going to a summer art fair in the park.

Right now, Shelby is wearing: a white cotton sundress, bare legs, a different ring on every finger, a straw fedora with a black band, and brown leather sandals.

Is Shelby gay or straight?

Why?

------------------------------

Time's up!

Alright, put your pencils down and turn your paper over.  

Everyone hand their paper to the person to your right - we're going to go over these together.

Answers!

1)  Isobel.

Ha!  Don't play with me.  Isobel is a big ol' homo.  Apart from all the stereotypical clues (vegetarian, Prius), Isobel is wearing a fedora to a party.  

Do not be distracted.  Look at nothing but the fedora.

Fags, I know fedoras are the ish this summer, but only gay girls are into hats enough to throw one on without a second thought to complete a party look.   

A statement hat like a fedora requires some serious time spent trying on hats - a commitment to long-term hat-wearing.   

Queer women are obsessed with hats, and so have already put in the time posing in front of mirrors; seeing how hats look with all their different outfits.  

Remember this:  Lesbians fucking love fedoras.  

A lesbian cannot look at a fedora in any setting without trying it on. 

                                                 (via strawberrylaces)

No lesbian can walk away from a fedora.  

It's nobody's fault.

Something in the chemical makeup.

Fedoras say "40's gangster." 

Fedoras say "I am El Mysterioso.  Come to me."  

They are real, real gay.

Yes, straight girls.  I hear you.  You saw Alicia Keys wear a fedora all those years ago and you've rocked one ever since.  

Well, you look like a homosexual.  

No lie.

2)  Shelby.  

Shelby is super fucking straight.  

Tricks, I am aware that Shelby is, in fact, wearing a fedora.  I know. 

But Shelby is wearing that fedora because Urban Outfitters told her to. 

She's trendy, not a twat-licker.

There's only one kind of fedora that straight girls wear, and it's this one:

This particular fedora has been all over magazines, and now it's trickled down to Target.  

Everybody and your mom has one. 

A hip, "menswear-influenced" way to keep the sun off your face.  


(*Tip!*Make sure to add a feminine detail to soften up your look, ladies!  Love, Cosmo.)

Straight girls don't wear their straw fedoras at night.  That would be stupid.  The straw fedora is a day hat.    

Now don't get me wrong.  Straight girls look cute in this hat.  

But they sure as fuck don't look gay.

How did you do on the quiz?

Was it super hard?  I tried to make it super hard.

We gay girls love hats - it follows that we love and wear the fedora. But we mustn't be fooled!  Constant vigilance!

Straight girls have also started showing their love for the fedora. 

Fortunately for us, they only wear one kind.  

Gay is in the details, friends.

Riiiiiiiiiiiing!

Ok, ok, people, settle down and take your seats. Ryan! Take your seat. Annie, I see that phone out one more time, it's mine, understand?

It's time to get back to Gay Basics.

Everybody here knows what a fag hag is, don't they?

Raise your hand if you don't.

Oh, c'mon, I bet somebody doesn't know.

If you're embarrassed we can all just close our eyes.

Ok, eyes closed? Ok, who here has never heard of a fag hag? Raise your hand. Alright, and who here is still unclear about what a fag hag is?

Ok, very good. You can open your eyes.

Class, what I found out is that over half of you aren't feeling rock-solid with your definition of "fag hag."

So, what exactly is a fag hag?

Who can tell me?

Anyone?

Anyone besides Krista?

Who can tell me? A fag hag...what is that.

Anybody?

Ooh pick me. Pick me!
Aaggh pickmepickmepickme!

Thank you, sir. A fag hag is a straight girl who prefers to hang around gay men in a mutually beneficial relationship, although the relationship's power lies exclusively with the gay (or gays) in question.
Not called a hag for nothing, the fag hag is usually young (mid-twenties or less), unattractive, and/or fat. The fag hag is often awkward or unpopular with her peer group, fancies herself as being different from other girls, and is invariably single. Hanging around gay men allows the fag hag to have a circle of men in her life, thus providing her with that wonderful man-cologne smell and bristly-cheek-kissing sensation without having to fear rejection from boys that really matter.

Disclaimer: Sometimes really pretty girls become fag hags. They do this when all the other girls at school are like, so jealous of how pretty they are and they wanna hang out with cute guys who aren't gonna always be hitting on them all the time and stuff.

Every now and again, a hag falls in love with her fag. This never, um, works out.

Faghagism is symbiotic.

The girl in the fag hag relationship gets:

1) A friend who is always up for going dancing2) A free pass into the OMG-I'm-so-alternative-and-open-minded club3) A tireless shopping companion

4) A view into a world she would never see otherwise

5) To feel special. And her confidence bolstered by her expanding gay social circle.

The boy in the fag hag relationship gets:

1) Someone who will listen to him talk about himself incessantly

2) Someone who will...uh...listen to him talk about himself incessantly
3) A grateful semi-servant who will do his bidding
4) To throw parties and "invite all his hags"

5) A friend who is more responsible and will take his drunk ass home.

The fag hag's motives are usually influenced by a desire to be like a character in some bullshit romantic comedy or sitcom. Typical media offenders cited by fag hags are: Will and Grace, Sex and the City, My Best Friend's Wedding, and Queer As Folk.In short: Everybody wants a pet queer. How trendy!

So, straight girls who only hang out with gay boys are called fag hags.
And straight boys who usually hang with gay boys are called fag stags.

And straight people who have mostly gay friends are known as fruit flies. But what about boys (gay or straight) who only hang out with lesbians????

'Cause this happens. Way more than you'd think. You always see them at the girlie bars, looking happy and slightly out of place.

Who wouldn't want the lezzies for friends? Lesbians are cool, and some boys are drawn to tough, funny, angry girls.
We needed a name for these boys. My friend Tawnya came up with two new definitions for me:

Lesbros are the straight boys who love hanging out with lesbians. They're like brothers. You can punch them in the shoulder and invite them to the bonfire. You can ogle girls together. It's fun.

Lesbeaux are the gay men who desert their boys to chill with the dykes. They add a touch of glitter to any occasion. They want to go to drag shows and musicals and eat cheesecake and set you up with other lesbians they know. It's perfect! They're only sexually attracted to men. You're only attracted to women. It's a true platonic relationship.
There, sir. That's fag hags defined and a whole new slew of slurs for you.

I think this takes care of my participation grade for the rest of the quarter.