Take Your Mama Out All Night

[via thievesinlaw]


 No.   Noooooo.  No.


Just when you thought you were safe, 'cause I live in Chicago now and he lives in Seattle....


Jason Is Overly Interested.

Q:  Ok, so Krista, when I watch lesbian porn, there's usually a scene where the two girls do some scissoring.  But you've told me a million times that sex with the ladies doesn't look anything like porn sex.  
So while I was watching the scissoring happen on the movie, I started wondering...do lesbians actually do that?  Do girls scissor?  
'Cause it must be kinda awkward.  Don't get me wrong, I very much want the answer to be yes, here.


A:  Christ, it's early.  Haven't even had coffee yet.  Calling me at 8 in the freakin' morning.  Who does that?  


Never talk about scissoring before noon, that's what I say.

Hell, it's noon somewhere.

Jason, you have a valid question, here.  You want to know about scissoring.  

Homos, here at Effing Dykes, I get a fair amount of mail. (Write to me! effingdykes@gmail.com and p.s. I like pictures.)  

I try to answer most of it, but sometimes it takes me a real long time.

However!  certain topics just seem to keep popping up.  

Like scissoring.  

This is about the 30th question I've had from someone about scissoring within the last few months.

And guess what?

Every single person who's asked me about scissoring has been male.

Shocker, that.

But you know what?  Let's do it.  Let's talk about scissoring.  
Put this thing to bed.

So, first of all, what is scissoring?  

What does it mean 'to scissor'?

Wikianswers has the answer!

"The term scissor, which is often used as verb (scissoring), is a sex position between lesbians. It is generally shown as two partners interlocking their legs with their heads 180 degrees apart while their vaginas are touching. In practice, the torsos of the women are often closer together, to the point of being close enough to kiss."

Thanks, Wikianswers!

(by joran van der sloot///)

Just to be sure of my definition of scissoring, I asked Cory, the homeless man who comes around the bakery, about it.

Me:  (handing over bribe of hot peanut butter cookie)  Hey, Cory, can I ask you something?

Cory:  Shoot, honeybuns.

Me:  What do you think the term "scissoring" means?"

Cory:  (guffaws)  Scissoring!  You at work!  Get you fired!

Me:  C'mon.

Cory:  Ok.  Scissoring is when, like, two women are fucking - excuse me, making love - and they, like, rub their coochies together.  Like, grind on each other and shit.  All nasty.

Awesome. 


Now we're all on the same page. 
Scissoring is when two women press their genitals together and rub for sexual satisfaction.


Looks like this:

Now, Jason, believe it or not, I don't watch a lot of porn.  
Like, almost never.  
It's not because I'm against porn; I'm heavily, heavily pro-porn.  I have no problem with porn.  Go porn!

I just wish I liked it.  
Porn does almost nothing for me.  It's kind of a tragedy.  

So I haven't seen assloads of porn.  
But I have seen porn where two women scissor one another.  And I went, "Really?"

[via lesfemmes]

Apparently, people think lesbians do this on a regular basis.

I hate to break it to you, Jason, but in all my years of experience, and having had a few *ahem* sexual partners...I've scissored with a woman exactly 3 times.

The first time, it was a joke.  
My girlfriend-at-the-time and I had just watched our first porn with scissoring.  I said, "We have to try this.  Maybe we're missing out on something good!"  and we scissored. 

We got naked, got on the bed, and, giggling the whole time, awkwardly got ourselves in position.  Then we tried to grind.  

I laughed so hard I fell off the bed.  
Nothing happened.

[via hellogirls]

Fast-forward a few years.  
I'm older and more experienced.  I see another porn and go, "Oh, yeah, scissoring!"  
I tried it with a new girlfriend.  Gave it the ol' college try. 

I mean, we really. tried. to get off.

It was ridiculous.  
We gave up and fucked like normal lesbians.

[via b0ne]

The third time I tried scissoring, it was because Tawnya got this phenomenal Victorian sex-positions pop-up book for her birthday.   

There was a lithograph of two women scissoring, and as I stared at the page, I said, "Jesus.  Apparently women have been doing this for hundreds of years - maybe thousands!  This is history!  I'm a shitty lesbian.  I really should try harder."

So I attacked CJ and forced her to scissor me.  

Me:  (panting) Anything?

CJ:  No.  Keep trying.  Press down harder.

Me:  I'm thirsty.


Nothing gratifying has ever happened to me while scissoring.  

 (by Parker Fitzgerald)

It's not something I even think about.
Ever.

And I since I sometimes sleep around a little bit *coughcough*, and no lesbian has ever tried to scissor me (or brought it up, or even joked about it)...I tend to think scissoring is pretty much something that only women in porn do, for male audiences.

Maybe because male audiences miiiiight have a problem understanding sex when both sets of genitals aren't touching at all times.  

Maybe scissoring makes sense to men because, well, what are the lesbians doing?  
They're pushing their crotches together.  'As if ' they were having sex.

[via nataliedee.com]

Don't get me wrong - I know a couple dykes who say they've scissored with successful results.  
But even they say it's not worth the effort involved.

A novelty, at best.

[via lesfemmes]

Ok, Jason?

Homogirls, help Jason out and weigh in, here.

[via mymuffinroared]

Do you scissor?

Am I missing out on something spectacular?

Jason Is Overly Interested.

Clap your hands, say yay!

It's time for another installment of...

Jason Is Overly Interested.

Q: So, Krista, if guys are supposed to chase women and only be after one thing, 'cause it's the way we're wired, and girls are supposed to act like they hate sex and be all chaste and shit, then how do two girls EVER get together? Like, if both of you are waiting for somebody to ask you out, how does that work?

A: Aw. What an excellent fucking question.

Jason, you're a strange guy to ponder the problems of getting lesbians together, instead of just fast-forwarding to the image of two lesbians together. That's why I haven't shanked you yet - you're a thinker.

Your question, Jason, is valid. How do dykes get together??

'Cause I get how the straights pair up: The Male Pursuer asks the girl out, or the brash 'n' ballsy girl asks the chickenshit guy out. And I understand how the gay boys do it: both men are only after one thing, and so the braver of the two makes the first move. The gay boys understand each other. That's why there are still bathhouses. But women...

As the great poet Lil' Wayne says - "Damn I hate a shy bitch."

There are lots of things to consider. As a gay girl, you may see literally scads of cute girls every single day. Girls you would be honored to fuck.

But it's, um, difficult to get to that point. Lesbians spend a lot of time figuring out their next move. Even when two girls know they like each other, getting to that first date is almost painful.

Society tells women that they're not really supposed to like sex. All sorts of bad fucking juju for the girls who like to do it. But, um, we all like to do it. Soooo, when neither one of you is used to having to ask for sex or dates... who asks who out?
You, as a gayelle, have a tricky situation on your hands. It's hard to ask girls out! They might say, "Ew!" They might laugh! They might crush your barely-intact sense of worth! Aaagghhyoudon'twannaaskgirlsoutOMGit'swaytooscary!!!!
Don't be a pussy. There are three approaches you can take if you want to date girls:

1) The Passive Approach. You can be soooo attractive that everybody asks you out. Then you can just take your pick from the virtual sea of suitors. This is what several of my friends do, and it's worked spectacularly well for them. When you look like a model and/or have a weird sexual energy pulsing around your body like an aura, you never have to ask anybody out. Ever.
2) The Passive-Aggressive Approach. You can go around introducing yourself as if being gay was a religion, like the Jehovah's Witnesses. You "witness" your gayness at all times, in all places. Like this - ahem - "Hi, my name is Krista, and I'm a lesbian!" As if being a lesbian is the only thing of interest about you. This works for the young and self-involved. If you're really into passive-aggressiveness, you can also wear attach rainbow patches to every single fucking thing you own, and wait three years until a girl catches your eye on the bus. Caution: this approach annoys the shit out of everyone.
3) The Aggressive Approach. You can bite the bullet and walk up to a girl. You can be coy and say something clever, or you can do what my friend Danni does and say "I think you're really cute. Would you like to go out sometime?" all polite and shit. (Or you can do what I -I mean, total sluts- do and go, "Hey. Wanna fuck?" when you're in line for the bathroom at Pride.) Polite aggressiveness + confidence = bananas amounts of sex.

C'mon, ladies, it's not that hard. Yes, you could ask a woman out and get laughed at. Yes, you could be rejected in a painful way. You could ask a girl out and...find out she isn't gay! The horror!
But straight men deal with the same possibilty of brutal rejection every day. They just deal with it by asking out as many women as possible. It's all a game of odds. Eventually, a girl will say yes. You hear me, dykes? EVENTUALLY, A GIRL WILL SAY YES. Even if you're ugly. Even if you drive a Segway. Even if you have to use a crane to turn you over in bed and prevent sores. Keep asking. A girl will say yes. Learn to deal with rejection. Goddammit, didn't anybody read The Game?Besides me and Jason?

Jason Is Overly Interested.

Morning, all y'all! This is Jason. Don't be alarmed.

Jason is the first straight male I've made friends with in about 3 years. He managed this incredible feat by being unbelievably, breathtakingly crass. Jason shocks me.

He is also the one person I know who can be counted upon to say EXACTLY what he's thinking.

Doesn't have a filter, this boy. If he's thinking it, it's coming out of his mouth at the same time. Now, this can be fun, but it can also make easily-offended folks (read: boring people) upset. Here are some choice, direct quotes from Jason that I overheard at a single party:

1) "You're pretty. And a little fat. But I like that. A tummy is really like a third tit."

2) "Wow. You're not funny. Even at all."

3) "Hey, you DO look like a dude!"

4) "What? I wasn't listening. I was looking at your boobs."


He's a hero of mine.
Anyway! Jason loves this blog, and now he's going to contribute on a regular basis. Jason is going to text me all the filthy straight-boy questions about lesbians he's been trying not to ask, and we're going to read them here on Effing Dykes!

So, Jason Is Overly Interested:

Q: "Krista, when I have sex, it's like 2 to 10 minutes where we're actually doin' it. How do lesbians know when they've had sex?"

A: Jason, that's a really fucking good question. Problem is, I don't actually know the answer - it's all relative. Lots of things lesbians do in bed count as sex. Some girls think that anything you do in bed counts as sex. But, please - where do you draw the line? Kissing? Spooning? Um, no.


Plenty of dykes think you've had sex if fingers enter the vagina at any time. But what if you just touch each other and don't go in? Hmmm.

Another popular definition is "you've had sex if she went down on you." 'Cause lesbians love to eat pussy, right? But that definition is stupid, especially if you're a picky-ass bitch who won't put her mouth anywhere near someone's crotch for the first few fucktimes. (soi'maprudesofuckingsueme. I don't eat pussy until we're in a relationship. It's too personal for hookups.)


The only actual answer I can give you, Jason, is: Lesbians have had sex if they think they did. There's no gold standard, like you straights with your 'dick-up-the-vadge.' Weird, right? And this can be tricky. For example - after getting fingerbanged in a bar bathroom at the age of 18, I was elated. I had finally had lesbian sex!

.........or had I?
Is this not complicated? Every lezzie's definition of sex is different. My definition, for future reference, is: Fingers, oral, or toys - all of it is sex.


And Jason? Even if queer girls don't have cocks, we all still know when sex is finished. And it ain't after no 2 to 10 minutes.

Happy, perv?