Tightening Our Belts

Well well well. 

Stop what you're doing.  

Put everything down.  

Put your book, coffee, pen, and girlfriend's boobs down.

Close the door to your office.  

Press 'Pause' on Grand Theft Auto 4.  

It's time for a...

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!

Now you might want to steel yourselves, tricks.  
Gather your strength.  
You've had a nice long break, and this could get nasty.

Situation #1:  Katrina. Age: Early 20's.

[via rararenegade]

Likes to be called Kat.  Just started working at the all-night diner you've been going to for years.  

Kat is so breathtaking you find yourself ordering extra shit you don't even want, just so she'll bring the apple pie to your table.  

You badly, badly want to ask her out.

Kat has:  long, dark hair, glasses that are nerdy-on-purpose, and tattoos all over the place.  She wears skintight jeans, a cute hair kerchief tied up 50's-style, and dangly earrings.  She calls you (and everybody else) "Hon."  
You think she might like you better than most people, but that could just be the extra peach cobbler talking.  

Assuming Kat doesn't think you're an excellent candidate for type 2 diabetes...

Should you ask her out?  

Is Kat gay or straight?

------------------------------------------------

Situation #2:  Evie.  Age: 28-ish. 

[via fucked-up-mind]

Evie rips tickets part-time at the little independent movie theater in the arty part of town.  Very chatty, she seems to be friends with everyone she works with.  You've become casual buddies, since you're 'suddenly' going to a lot of independent films.  

When you asked her if "Evie" stood for anything, she said, "Evangelical" with a straight face, then busted up laughing.

Evie has:  straight, shoulder-length brown hair, tight jeans, a studded belt, Vans sneakers, and horrible silver bracelets that say shit like "Faith" and "Hope" written on them in cursive (c'mon, Evie).

Is Evie straight or queer?

Should you ask her out?

--------------------------------------------

Situation #3:  Ray.  Age: Late 30's?  

[via VANessa]

Ray is one of the co-owners of that new vegan restaurant - the one that's been getting all the good reviews.  There are always lesbians in the window, and you've been going 'cause the restaurant does dirty, sexy things with falafel.  

You've seen Ray a few times, making the rounds, checking how everyone's meals are.  

Your stomach wants more radicchio.  Your crotch wants Ray.

Ray has:  Really short hair, a tweed blazer, a plain silver band on her pointer finger, tight jeans, a studded fake leather belt (cruelty-free!), and tall boots.  She looks. like. a lesbian.

Is Ray gay or straight?

Should you ask Ray out?

-------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS!  

Situation #1:  Kat.  


Should you ask Kat out?  

No!  For fuck's sake, no.  First of all, she's a really hot waitress.  
Do you have any idea how many people ask their hot waitresses out on any given day?  
Jesus.  

She could have a giant coldsore covering half her face - if she has even a hint of a nice ass and is serving up cake, you can bet that at least 3 people have "helpfully" written their phone numbers on the bill for her that day.

Is Kat straight or gay?

You're not gonna ask her out, so does it matter? 


Ahahahaha.
Seriously, though - wait for Kat to say something to you that's really telling, like, "Hey, would you like to go down on...I mean, out with me?"

Then we'll know alllll about her sexual orientation, mmkay?

[via supersarah]

Situation #2 and #3:  They're both gay! 


Q:  But how do we know??


A:  It's all. about. the belts.


No lie - this belt:

is for lesbians.


That's not to say that Evie and Ray aren't both giving off lots of homolicious vibes.  

For Evie, it's the Vans sneakers, the joke about evangelicals, the untouched-by-styling-products-but-still-long-enough-to-pass-as-a-straight-girl-but-not-long-enough-to-be-super-femmey hair in combination with the shitty non-denominational-Christian wristbands.

Plus her studded belt.

For Ray...well, c'mon, she co-owns a vegan restaurant.  


Based on totally stereotypical ideas about "what a lesbian looks like", you already suspect she might be a muff-diver.


And then you see her cruelty-free, studded belt.

AND THEN YOUR GAYDAR GOES CRAZY.

[via sophia wallace photography]

Oh really, you say?


A crock of shit, you say?
Lots of straight girls own this belt?

Pah.  
Baby emo girls (read: might be gay, check back later) and disturbed teens like this belt. 

Skater girls like this belt.
Femme dykes like this belt.

Everybody loves it!  
Even though you can get one in the Family Dollar's sale bin!  

Go to any dyke bar in town and you can play a fun drinking game with our friend the studded belt.  

[via hellogirls]

Everybody drinks when you see one walk through the door.  
Take a shot if you see the belt while a girl is bending over to play pool.  


You'll be blind drunk by the end of the night.
I promise.

[via ditc]

Lesbians love the studded belt for many reasons.  


1)  It adds toughness to any outfit.  GRRRRdon'tmesswithmeIamafiercegay!!!  Back off, motherfucker.

[for chinda]

2)  It reminds us of bondage. 

3)  It makes a great noise when two studded belts happen to rub together on the dance floor - like a beautiful and haunting lesbian xylophone sonata.  

So:  If a girl is throwing off the gay in waves AND happens to be wearing a studded belt, go for it.  


Ask that lesbian out!  


The studded belt is really like a jeweled crown for a homosexual's waist.

How did you do on the quiz, gayelles?