The AV Club (Homosexual Chapter)

Riddle!

What is: the size of two guinea pigs, as sleek and shiny as a harbor seal, as attention-absorbing as a new labradoodle puppy, and as light as a dead sparrow?
Think about it...

Answer: My new netbook!

OMG THE EXCITEMENT!!!

Thank you Jesus for Black Friday.

I have been stalking The World's Smallest Computer for over a year now.

When 6 a.m. rolled around at Best Buy last Friday, I put my razor in my mouth and got ready to cut a bitch.

Despite the asshole crowds, I managed to procure the netbook.

Mission: Accomplished.

Innocent bystanders hurt/maimed/killed: 11.

Worth it!

And now, safely back at home...

Awww. I fucking love my new little tiny computer. My liddle netbookie-wookie! My teensy-weensy ittybitty lil' mouthful of a compie! Gulp! Delicious!
I am the proud new owner of the motherfuckin' cutest smallest bestest itsy ickle darlin' netbook the size of my palm.

I named it "Ariel" because it opens and closes like a titanium clam shell.
And, in my excitement, I maaaaay have told my favorite lil' piece I love it more than anything, including her.

She laughed and didn't dump me.

Obviously, this is a true gauge of my skillz in the bedroom.

Anyway!

My old laptop was so heavy that I couldn't even lift it with one hand, so I needed one bad.

And now I'm finally happy.

Buying shit can make you happy! That's what TV taught me.

But, my fellow clam-lickers, do you know the real reason I needed new technology in my life?

Because you get kicked out of the lesbian club if all your shit isn't absolutely au courant.

It's true!

Your computer, your cell phone...especially your cell phone.

LEZFACT: All lesbians, everywhere, have the newest phones available on the market.
If you are questioning whether a girl is gay, just look at her phone. That could easily tip the balance!

Let's practice, shall we?

Example #1: Micaela. Asian girl. Short hair, Women's Studies major, shows up at animal-cruelty demonstrations. Militant vegan. Kind of bitchy.

Phone: Iphone 3G.

GAY or STRAIGHT?

Example #2: Danielle. White girl. Fashion-mullet, campaigned for Obama, vegetarian. Swears a lot. Has checks with the HRC logo.

Phone: T-Mobile I-Touch

GAY OR STRAIGHT?

Example #3: Lydia. White girl. Short hair, fashion glasses (we suspect they aren't prescription), lots of tattoos, works for a women's shelter. Eats tuna fish out of the can. Smells funny. Bikes everywhere. Likes cats more than is normal.
Phone: 1996 Samsung that does one thing: call people.

GAY OR STRAIGHT?

Answers!

#1 - Gay. GAAAAAY. Gayer than gay. Micaela has the newest fucking phone on the planet, and when she bought it, she had to make a decision: whether to pay rent on time, or whether to be the coolest dyke at the bar for one glorious night.

#2 - Gay! Danielle has the latest phone from T-Mobile. It's a rip-off of an Iphone. It's horrifically expensive and she paid for it with her dyke-ass HRC checks.
#3 - Straight! With Lydia, all signs point to "faggot", but...her phone! My God, her phone. It's as big as a math book. And she can't even get e-mail with it. No self-respecting lesbian would carry a shitty phone like that! Lydia may look like a lezzie, but she's just a bike-punk. (Don't worry if you got this wrong - bike punks and lesbians are simple to confuse.)
Technology, people. A way to separate the affluent from the wannabe-affluent. The poor from the poor-poseurs. The privileged from the pathetic losers who still have to use a real computer to check Facebook. The lesbians from women who just look like lesbians.