You've Stolen My Earhart

Holy fucking shit.

Have you ever seen a picture of Amelia Earhart?

'Cause she looks like this:
Jeeeeeezus. Why does nobody tell me anything important?

Why did I learn nothing of value in elementary school?

See this book?

I read this book in second grade. (I read it really fast, too. I was in the Owl group.)

This book talks about how brave Amelia Earhart was; how daring she was for her time. It tells you that girls can do everything!

For some reason, though, the book neglects to inform its impressionable reader that Amelia Earhart was a MOTHERFUCKING BUTCH

HEART ATTACK MONSTER BABE who will steal your soul if you look in her puckish, twinkling dyke-eyes.

NOWHERE in the book are there actual pictures of Amelia Earhart.
Had there been real pictures, I could have saved myself years of painful questioning and experimentation. One look at Amelia would have solved it. *BAM!*

I would have opened to Page One and gone, "Oh, I guess I'm a homosexual. Thanks, Amelia Earhart!"

Girls really can do everything.

So, after seeing real photographs of Amelia Earhart, the question is: What am I supposed to do now?

I was going to go see Amelia on the big screen this Friday. You know, because Hilary Swank is in it. Hilary Swank acting dyke-y is like Christmas morning for my imagination.

Boys Don't Cry? Tragic. I was shattered.

But: new fantasies. (I realize this is like jerking off to Schindler's List, but it can't be helped.)Million Dollar Baby? Tragic.

But: I was set for months of "Krista Alone Time."Hilary Swank as Amelia Earhart in Amelia? Let me give that a FUCK YES. I was ready to see this movie.
But now I just don't know. I don't know if I can stand to watch Hilary swanking around in my lover Amelia's clothes.

Now that I've learned the truth about the real Amelia Earhart (namely, that she was so hot I've been considering drowning myself in a cold shower, just to be with her)...I'm not so sure I can watch this movie.

Well. A passionate crush on a dead person.

I've sunk to a new low.

Unlike the time I had a boner for Kylee, the barista/cello player who models on the side, this time, my crush is dead.

No amount of charm is going get me into Amelia's jodhpurs. Nothing I can say or do is going to get me anywhere near that sweet boyish pilot-ass.

Maybe if I go see Hilary Swank in Amelia, I can conjure up an imaginary threesome: me, Amelia I, and Amelia II. "Ladies, are we sure we have enough lube for the propeller? It's going to be a very long flight, and we'll really be packed in there."

That miiiiiiiight make me feel better.

NothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthyNothealthynothealthynothealthynothealthy