Homo Haircuts

It was time for a haircut.

Everybody else was getting off the plane. I was bent over strands of my own hair, deeply engrossed in breaking off split-ends and seeing how far up I could make 'em go. After a particularly satisfying fracture, I looked up.

The entire plane was staring at me, silent.

Apparently it was my turn to get my carry-on. Anyway! today I went to MasterCuts in a strip mall in Madison. Will the glamour never stop.
The tantastic hairdresser asked me what I wanted. Here is, word-for-word, what I said:

"Mmkay, I'm kinda growing my hair out so I can put it into an obnoxious ponytail and shake it at people when I get annoyed, but I travel for a living and it's all split ends and I wanna be able to put it up but I still want to be able to have it look cool, kinda like a little kid took scissors to it, and also I have bangs as you can see, but I like to keep them too long and in my eyes, but really straight, 'cause they're sorta hipster bangs, right?"

She nodded seriously, got out her clips, and said, "So you want a trim."

Fuck.

It is really difficult to be confronted with bald evidence that you're ridiculous.

Here's the issue, though: What I really wanted was something I couldn't ask for. I wanted a Dyke Haircut.

What's a dyke haircut, you ask?

Bitch please.

Who's the gay girl in this picture? A dyke haircut is a haircut that marks you immediately as a homo, and it's always either one of two things:

1) a really, shockingly, fucktardedly-bad haircut. Often involves a flat-top, a buzz cut, or a non-ironic mullet.

2) an amazingly cool, can't-put-your-finger-on-why-it's-so-great, blindingly stylish haircut that either cost two hundred dollars in a salon with a fag named Gianni or was cut in your kitchen by your friend Gretchen who takes a blunt as payment.

There's only two kinds, folks.

Let's talk about the first type of dyke haircut first. It is bad and wrong. Perhaps you've seen this around town:

Or this: This is the type of haircut that you get when you're a lesbian and you just. don't. giveafuckanymore. It screams, "I'm a homo! I teach gym! I wear a sports bra as my regular bra and I eat pussy and it is absolutely no fun for anybody to picture that."EW.

But do not despair, sluts. As we have discussed, there is another type of dyke haircut, and it is much better. You have options if you're going to get a dyke haircut! You have potential! You could look like this:

Or this:
You have to use the word "choppy" if you want your hairfag to do good work. True dyke haircuts are gorgeous works of art and everybody copies you and then it doesn't work on anybody else. Plus they're good for helping you identify the homogirls in a crowd.

I love me a good dyke haircut. Too bad I now look like I live in the suburbs of Madison. Thanks, MasterCuts.

There is only one last thing to say about dyke haircuts, and with it, I give to you a WARNING: If you see a girl with a shaved head, do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from her. Even if she's totally pulling it off. A girl who has a freshly-shaved head is C-R-A-Z-Y. Women shave their heads when:

1)they're newly awakened feminists taking freshman Women's Studies courses

2)they're brand-new at being gay

3)they've just gone through a major life change (ended a major relationship, moved to a new city, had an abortion)
4)they're popping pills/heavily medicated/taking drugs

If you meet a cute girl with a shaved head, just back slooooowly away, whispering in a soothing tone: "I don't have your baby, I'm not in your class, I'm not holding, I haven't seen your girlfriend. I don't have your baby, I'm not in your class, I'm not holding......"

This works like a mantra to ward off evil.

Stay away from the baldies and you'll be fine.