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The Asian Mafia

Asian lesbians have their own category for a reason. Asians stick together. Key word: TOGETHER. Asians, all Asians, travel together, live together, work, eat, and sleep together, hang out together, and go out together. If there is an Asian in the room, she is scanning the room to find another Asian.

So naturally, this rule applies to Asian lesbians. If you are lucky enough to know one Asian lesbian, you will soon know eight. But (assuming you are not Asian) you will not be part of the group. You will never be part of the real group. YOU CANNOT BE PART OF THE ASIAN MAFIA UNLESS YOU ARE ASIAN. Sorry. No matter how much you want to be; no matter how many Asians you screw; no matter how long you spent in Thailand; no matter how good your Japanese girlfriend tells you your manga drawings are. You will never break into the Asian mafia.

Now this is a damn shame. Because Asian lesbians are, 99% of the time, ferociously hot. Let’s face it – Asians are superior to everyone else in almost every conceivable way. They don’t age. They don’t get zits. They’re naturally thin. They produce the most motherfucking adorable babies in the world. They are math geniuses, and they invented sushi. Who are these perfect people-machines?

There are a few different types of Asian dykes, starting with:

High-Masians
High-Masians are High-Maintenance Asians. You know who I’m talking about. A tiny, dainty, delicate flower, almost buried under the weight of all that Gucci and Louis Vuitton. She has impossibly teensy skirts, French-tipped nails, thigh-high socks, high heels so high that they alllllllmost bring her up to your height, thoroughly straightened long hair, and seriously glossy lips. Thinking nothing of wearing fake eyelashes during the day, the High-Masian is a super femme on steroids. Except minus the irony. Kinda looks like a living Bratz doll. She smells like vanilla and Expensive. She is used to people falling all over her.

If she’s adopted, she’s a bitch.

If she was born and raised in an Asian country, she’s a giggler.

High-Maisian lesbians are extremely difficult to sniff out. We mortals don't have access to this level of hot! Piercings are a good sign. But again, best to see her at a gay club dancing with lesbians, or have a seriously dykey conversation before asking her out. And remember to watch your back - she’s got a big brother. Or four. And, um, 32 male cousins “looking out” for her. Note: Asians don’t fight alone.

The Butch
The Asian butch is, in some ways, cooler than the Caucasian butch. She’s a little more street, a little more hip-hop; a better dancer; a more thoughtful going-out partner. Easily crushed, kind of shy, even if she pretends not to be. She’s sometimes a little stocky, in a teddybear way. She wears a diamond stud in one ear. She’s good with a strap-on. She will take care of your ass. She will not ditch you. And she doesn’t kiss and tell.

The BoiThe Asian boi is a rare bird. OMG she has elaborate tattoos. OMG she has a cell phone as tiny as a pinky fingernail. Her hair is awesome. She knows how to dance. She tells Asian jokes. She puts Sriracha sauce on everything. And every goddamn thing she does is cute. She is a steal. But she is so used to getting hit on that she can get real tiresome, real fast.

Think about it - adorable boi + Asian (and therefore superior) = screaming femme girls chasing her like the Beatles.

Important Things about Asian Lesbians:

-They are the women most likely to still live with their parents. This is not out of a dependence problem – this is because their parents expect them to, since they’re not married. However, this does not mean that they’re not financially independent. They have more money than any of us, and they like to spend it on going out.

-They are also the lesbians most likely to still be in the closet. Again, cultural and family expectations.

-You will never, never understand how much their mother means. And why they can’t move out. Or come out.

-Their family will always come first. You second.

-They have to go to every second-cousin-removed’s wedding, without fail. Not going is not an option.

-They often date each other for two reasons:

1) Goddamn, it’s easier. You don’t have to explain the family expectations. You don't have to explain your mother. You don’t have to explain why you’re not out. You both just understand.

2) Asians are really hot. Two is better than one.

The “I-Don’t-Like-Labels-Don’t-Call-Me-A” Lesbian

I'll tell you what I can't stand: Girls who like girls but refuse to label themselves in one way or the other. WTF?? Labeling is fun! How else are we going to identify and make fun of so many groups, you crystal-worshipping dumbasses?

I am happy to announce the "I-Don't-Like-Labels-Don't-Call-Me-A" Lesbian as a separate category because, by categorizing this phenomenon, we are labeling it, and that is going to piss off so many annoying people. The "I-Don't-Like-Labels-Don't-Call-Me-A" Lesbian is incredibly easy to identify because she says tiresome things like, “I don’t love genitalia; I love people,” and “I’m not anything you can label; I’m just me.” She will usually say this looking deeply into a woman’s eyes over a private cup of coffee.

Difficult to read in a social setting, the "I-Don't-Like-Labels-Don't-Call-Me-A" Lesbian is nonetheless the easiest person to spot and sleep with, once you get her in a one-on-one situation. If she, at any time, utters the phrase, “I wouldn’t call myself a lesbian; I just love who I love,” consider that an open invitation. Get the check, get the coats, and get her in your car.

Super Femmes

Where the butch lived in terror that she would have to participate in Home Ec., the Femme got an A+ and stitched needlepoint heart-shaped pillows for extra credit. Yay girls!

The femme grew up like your average girly-girl. She had long hair. She was in dance class. She sketched horses on her notebooks. Her daddy called her "lil bit." She wore pink corduroy jumpers and had curly shoelaces. And she never had a problem with that.

The word ‘femme’ encompasses a large group of lezzies. There are lots and lots of dykes that take on the femme label, including punk girls in skirts who might beat you up, straight-looking-and-acting gay women, women who just aren't out, and women who love love love girly shit like Lancome Juicy Tubes and Fendi and the car Elle drives in Legally Blonde. (BTW, if you know a lot about those three things, you're probably a femme. Or seriously whipped by one.) All of these mean ‘femme.’

Vast category.
Let’s break it up a little, shall we?

Super Femmes

The holy grail of many lesbians. Elusive, like the mystical unicorn, the Super Femme is a badass girly-girl. Often sought, rarely found, the Super Femme is 100%, completely, absolutely gay and looks like the most feminine woman you’ve ever met. Unless you know exactly what you’re looking for, she is impossible to detect in the straight world.

The Super Femme takes it up a notch. Also known as a High Femme, the Super Femme is what men think of when they think about lesbians – nails done, tumbling hair, cleavage, tight skirts, tight dresses, high heels, makeup, Wonderbras, lip gloss, Brazilians, products all over the counter, jewelry, purses, pink drinks, bikinis….good-smelling gorgeous unreasonable goddamn femmes.

The kind of women people watch in pornos and think, “I’m into that.”

But make no mistake – Super Femmes do not have to look like the feminine ideal. They are not always in perfect shape, and they don’t always only fuck each other (contrary to popular boi and butch beliefs). They can be fat, curvy, BBW, thin, or fit, but the main idea is…soft. Soft hair, soft hands, soft lips, soft breasts nuzzling each other in a low-cut fuzzy pink sweater.

Super femmes do not always start out by dating women. Most commonly, they dated and slept with men for years before trying a girl, and *poof* never went back. Super Femmes do not fuck men after that, ever. That would be gross. Ewww! Super Femmes are not bi, they don’t want to let their boyfriends watch them make out with girls at the bar, and they are sick of dykes thinking they're straight, goddammit.

The Super Femme is bossy. She is in charge of her relationship, especially if she’s dating a butch – both in and out of the bedroom. Super Femmes tend to be either sexual tops or complete bottoms - not a lot of gray area in bed for her. She knows what she likes and, if you don’t, will teach you how to do it right. She is definitely out in the gay community. She takes a lot of shit from other dykes, her mother, and men. The Super Femme does not want a man. The Super Femme wants to fuck you really hard against a wall and then go have dinner somewhere nice.

Bad things about Super Femmes:

They are BOSSY. I believe we already covered that, but it bears repeating. Super Femmes have it in their minds that they are rare exotic magical birds-of-paradise. They feel that there are so few Super Femmes that they can do whatever they like with no consequences. This includes: sleeping around, using their partner's Visa to buy: 1)clothes 2)rent 3)anything else they want; talking in a baby voice; sulking and ruining an evening out; and putting stick-on gemstones all over their cellphones. Super Femmes make a choice to wear ridiculous shoes and then complain about it all night. They think they look good in white pants. They have difficulty distinguishing between "appropriate" and "are-you-kidding-me-you-look-like-a-stripper." They have fake nails and can rip your uterus into ribbons and give you a nasty infection if they're inexperienced. They say, "I just want a little bite" and eat everything on your plate. They're lazy. They can't save money. And they are scary motherfuckers if you piss them off.

Good Things About Super Femmes:

They smell great. They will cuddle your head against their breasts if you're sad. They are incapable of not-helping if they see someone who needs it. They have everything you could ever need in their purses. They force you to moisturize and use conditioner. They're good dancers. They're cheap dates - they can't hold their liquor.
They make really fucking snarky comments about people really quietly, while you fall out of your chair laughing. They buy presents for you. They remember birthdays. They can usually bake. Super Femmes are sexually adventurous - fucking in the bathroom stall is something they conquered at 14 years old. They're great travel partners, as long as it's not camping. They are way stronger than they look. They get free stuff all the time - upgrades to first class, show tickets, dinners, rides on strangers' motorcycles - just for smiling pretty. They make complicated lists. They want you to take a bubble bath with them. They know who just got eliminated on America's Next Top Model. They will beat the shit out of anybody who hurts anyone they love.

We'll do more on Femmes later - bitches have so many subcategories, my hands are cramping up just thinking about it.

The Foreign Lesbian

Homos, take a deep breath. We are about to tackle a real gaydar problem. A problem that seems so insurmountable that many lezzies have just given up. That hot girl from Spain who pulls your espresso in the morning... IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE???

The Foreign Lesbian is the most difficult of all the women listed so far to identify. The sheer magnitude of this task makes me want to cry hot little tears into my lap while watching Amelie for the 43rd time. Why? Because FOREIGN WOMEN ALL SEEM GAY.

My gaydar gets stuck on foreign women. All the classic North American Dyke signs are there – extreme eye contact, artistic haircuts, no makeup, way of walking, direct way of speaking, bluntness, personal style, etc etc etc. But most of these women are not dykes. No! They make extreme eye contact with everyone because people did that where they grew up. Their haircuts are awesome because they have prancing Italians named Luca to tend to their hair. They don’t wear much makeup because they don’t need to (foreigners are hot.) They speak directly because they are working in a second language and need to get their point across. They walk better because they have excellent posture and are confident in the knowledge of how hot they are. Their style is better because they don’t shop at Target for yoga pants. And.... most cultures that are not American are faaaaaaaar more sexually open or permissive than we uptight Americans are. Thus, a Foreign Woman may have slept with 16 women and 4 men, and still say with pouting lips, “I em only attracted to zee bee-yoo-tee of zee soul.” Foreign women do not like the word ‘lesbian’ because they associate it with Mack-truck-sized, flannel-wearing, flat-top sporting, hefty American lesbians. And currently, people will do anything to avoid being associated with America.

So you see, we have a problem. Because these fucking gorgeous women have accents. And that makes us quiver with desire. And some of them are gay. But which ones? How can we weed them out?

Let’s do it country by country.

If she is from:

Mexico: She’s not gay, or she totally is. No middle ground. Either way, she’ll be grabbing your boobs after 3 drinks. (Take her dancing.)

Russia: Not a chance. NOTE: All Russian women seem extremely gay, and none of them are. Not even one. Pity.

China: Lots of homos. Short haircut and unmarried is the key. If she has long hair: forget about it. *Bonus* She’s probably a math genius.

Taiwan: Good luck finding a femme from Taiwan. But if you want a butch or boi, you’ve got a green light. Look for short nails and extra-styley hair. And keep an eye out for the lone earring in the left ear. Taiwanese dykes keep it old-school.

NOTE: ASIAN LESBIANS ARE A WHOLE SEPARATE CATEGORY. MORE LATER.

Germany: Germany has a negative birth rate for a reason. All German females are homos. And watch out – they don’t shave. The Black Forest takes on a whole new meaning.

Italy: Fahgeddaboutit. Unless she is clearly butch, or a punk, Italian women love the cock. And they love it uncircumcised.

France: Oooooh she can whisper the sweetest nothings in your ear. Oooh you can take romantic walks in the rain. She’ll sleep with you, but she’ll never go all-the-way-gay. She has amazing underwear. Long, sweeping hair is not a disqualifier. Pillow queen!

Spain: Same as France, minus the underwear. Plan to get in some, um, passionate fights. This one throws plates.

The Netherlands: She’s from a country called “The Netherlands.” Go for it.

Iceland: She’s just…weird. Run away.

Eastern Europe: Not likely she’s a mo. But you can gaze at her from afar. She looks like a model and thinks lesbians are “disgusting, these women who want to be men.”

Brazil: She’s slept with plenty of people – boys, girls, that person at Carnival whose gender she wasn’t sure about…..if you are a good dancer, you’ve got her. Warning: Obsessive. And look out – she bites.

Australia: Tricky. She may seem like a sporty dyke. She is probably straight and on holiday in the US with her boyfriend and a backpack. However, Australians are slutty, and you may have a chance encounter if enough beer is involved.

Great Britain: If she looks like a total dyke, she is one. The less she bathes, the more likely it is that she’s gay. British dykes do not wear makeup. Actually, nobody in Britain wears makeup.

North Africa: Not gay. Not even a little. Not ever.

South Africa: More formal and uptight than Australia, but well-travelled and open-minded. You’ll have to ask her politely if she’s into women. She’s at least thought about it.

A Muslim Country: WAIT FOR HER TO HIT ON YOU.

India: Not gay, which really sucks for my harem fantasies.